


Crash and Burn

by SayaEvange



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, Mild Language, Romance, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4456307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SayaEvange/pseuds/SayaEvange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I let him slowly pull my body closer to his. His strong arms wrapped around my waist and his lips trailed kisses down my jaw line before landing on my own lips.<br/>*This is a rewrite of an old story that I haven't worked on in years.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why did I even wake up?

“Nienna Ladden, get your lazy arse out of bed already!” Lily Evans screamed from somewhere outside my curtained bed. I silently cursed her for being such a helpful and caring friend. If she really wanted to be ‘helpful and caring’ then she should just leave me alone. “Nienna!” 

I groaned loudly and rolled off my bed and onto the floor. “Lils,” I whined. “I don’t want to go to class today.” I looked around to see my best friend running her brush through her deep red locks and a mild twinge of jealousy caught me. I always wished I had hair like hers. I looked down at my own limp brown hair. It wasn’t fair. 

“Nen, you never want to go to classes.” 

“Yeah, well, this is different,” I retorted, rising off the floor. I stumbled to the chest sitting at the end of my bed. 

“And how is that?” 

I shrugged and dug through my trunk for a clean uniform. I pulled out my clothes and started to change, wondering why girls had to wear skirts. My skirts never managed to fit me well. They always seemed way too long and made me look like a little girl playing dress-up in her mum’s clothes. 

Just as I pulled off my pajama pants, one of our roommates burst through the door. A loud whistle sounded through the room. 

“That’s what I like to see!” 

“Oh shut it, Carrie!” I yelled, not happy to have to put up with her teasing so early in the morning. 

“C’mon, Nen, it’s a beautiful day. No need to be so crabby.” Carrie swept her hand through my hair before bouncing onto her own bed. 

“I’d lower the energy if I were you, Care. Nienna’s in a foul mood.” Lily stepped in front of the floor length mirror, admiring herself. 

“Stop primping, Lils,” Carrie scolded, earning a glare from the redhead. “What’s wrong with you, Nen?” 

“Nothing,” I growled. I just wanted to get out of there now. Forget about it being a bad day; I just needed to get away from my two best friends. I shoved my books into my bag and pulled on my shoes. 

“Hurry up so we can go to breakfast,” Carrie told Lily. 

“I just need to get my books. Nienna, don’t forget to brush your teeth again,” Lily said just as I was heading to the door. I groaned and turned around, mumbling under my breath about how I didn’t need another mother. 

“I’m only reminding you so you don’t have another embarrassment like last year,” Lily announced in her caring friend voice. 

I grumbled some more and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once finished, I went back out and found Lily trying to do Carrie’s hair, but Care was fighting her. 

“Oi! Look Lily, I like my hair the way it is.” 

“But it would look so cute if you just…” 

“Hey, it’s time to go,” I interrupted. Lily reluctantly let go of Carrie’s hair and the two of them followed me out of our dormitory, still arguing. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I left the Great Hall before my friends, wanting some time by myself before class. I walked around the school, realizing how much I was going to miss this place. It was only October, but my first six years here had taught me just how fast time goes. 

It didn’t seem that long ago when I received my Hogwarts letter. I was so excited. Finally, I’d be going to school with my big brother, even if only for a year. That day was the first in a long time that my mother looked genuinely happy.

I shook my head, trying to stop my mind from wandering down that path again. I looked out a window. It was drizzling and windy and the leaves, a beautiful array of colors not too long ago, were being swept away. It was so dreary out; I knew I didn’t want to be out of bed today. It was just like eleven years ago… 

“What are you doing here, Nen?” A strong voice tore me from my thoughts. I didn’t need to look around to know who it was. My heart skipped. 

“Nothing,” I answered and turned around to face the one and only Sirius Black. Boy was he gorgeous. It wasn’t in a pretty boy way either. He was gorgeous in the tough, strong, mischievous kind of way. The kind of gorgeous every girl dreams of and every Daddy has nightmares about. It should be a crime for him to look that good. 

He grinned down at me. “Did you get my note?” 

“What note?” I asked confused. 

His grey eyes stared into my blue ones. “The one I sent to you last night.” He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “About how your beauty haunts my dreams.” 

My heart sped up and I pushed him away, his grin never fading. “Sirius Black, you are a liar.” 

He moved to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and leaned against the wall, looking at me. “And you, Nienna Ladden, are a wretched tease.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not in the mood to deal with you today, Black.” 

He looked at me, the teasing glint quickly leaving his eyes. “Princess,” he started, a hint of concern in his voice. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going through that beautiful mind of yours.” 

“It’s nothing, okay? It’s just a bad day.” His gaze pierced me. He knew that I was lying and I knew that he wouldn’t leave me be until he found out what was going on. 

“Nienna.” That was all he had to say and my no-good defenses started to break. He knew exactly how to make me give in to him and, after all this time, I still couldn’t stop him. 

“Sirius, don’t,” I began, trying to hold on to my diminishing strength. 

His hand gently grazed my own and I was done for. 

I buried my head in his chest as his strong arms crossed behind my back and we stood there for what seemed to be hours. He whispered lyrics of a song I didn’t know, calming me down a little. I felt as close to him as I had that one day in fifth year. 

“Sirius, what are you doing?” A high-pitched voice brought me back to reality and I quickly jumped away from him. I looked to see Sarah Hart, the most popular girl in school. With her bleach blonde hair and perfect body, all the guys craved her. Oh, and she also happened to be my roommate and Sirius Black’s current girlfriend. 

“Hey, Sarah.” His eyes glanced her over approvingly. “You’re looking sexy.” 

“Don’t change the subject. What were you two doing? I demand an answer.” 

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “It was nothing, Sarah. You see, Sirius has this umm…cough. He was complaining about it and I was trying to see if I could hear any wheezing or anything when he breathed.” 

I could feel him staring at me and she looked at me like I was a moron. I knew she didn’t believe me. 

“Nienna, do I have to teach you everything?” She said. “You can’t hear the wheezing with your bare ear! You have to use that one deal to hear it. You know, the one that Muggle doctors use.” 

It was my turn to stare. From beside me, I heard Sirius muffle a laugh. 

“Well, I have to go to class now. I’ll see you later, Siri,” her voice was too sweet. She made to kiss him, but stopped herself. “I can’t kiss you if you’re sick.” Quickly, she spun around and started back down the hall. When she was far enough away, Sirius burst out laughing. 

“Your girlfriend is awfully dumb.” 

He looked at me with a huge grin on his face. “I’m not with her for her brain.” 

“That’s right. You’re only with girls for heated snogging sessions and two minute sex,” I scowled. 

He made a face. “First off, I’m not just with girls for physical pleasure and second, it’s much longer than two minutes.” He paused for a moment as if reliving his sexual experiences. “You of all people should know that.” 

My jaw clenched. I couldn’t believe that he said that. 

“As I recall,” He moved close to me, his body touching mine. His eyes were all over me and I noticed a growing look of lust in them. “We spent hours exploring each other; kissing here,” his lips grazed the bit of skin showing above my shirt, “caressing there.” One of his hands moved from my arm and made its way to my waist; his fingers moved down to the edge of my shirt and started to slip underneath. 

I shoved him as hard as I could, sending him against the wall. My face was hot and my breathing heavy. I glared at the smirking boy in front of me, wanting badly to shove him out the window. “You are a bloody arse, Sirius Black! Why don’t you just shove off and leave me alone!” Before he could say anymore, or stop me, I stomped off. The sound of my steps echoed off the walls. I couldn’t believe him. He was…ugh! 

Angry and embarrassed, I made my way back to Gryffindor Tower. I hadn’t wanted to go to class that morning anyways and, in any case, I definitely didn’t want to be in the same room as that horrible git. Once I reached my room, I flung my bag across it, sending all of my stuff flying. I didn’t care. I stomped to my bed, pulled my pillow over my head and screamed. 

Why the hell did I get up this morning?


	2. False Hopes

“I’m so excited, aren’t you, Nen?” Sarah asked in an annoying voice. She was putting the finishing touches on her costume. It was tradition for the four of us to pick a theme for our costumes and this year happened to be goddesses. Surprisingly, Sarah hadn’t picked Aphrodite; she chose Hecate, the Goddess of the Crossroads (or the Witch Goddess). Lily decided to go with Hera, the Queen of the Gods, and Carrie chose Metis, the Goddess of Prudence. I was Artemis, the Goddess of the Hunt, and I was excited to be going as her even if I wasn’t happy about where I was wearing the costume to. 

“Oh yeah,” I mumbled as I fiddled with my hair. I had decided to just do it in one long braid that would hang over my shoulder. It seemed fitting for a huntress. I grabbed the crescent moon headband and put it on, completing my outfit. I looked at my roommates and wondered what we were going to do next Halloween. 

“Sarah, you look cute,” Lily complimented as she slipped her feet into golden sandals. 

The blonde looked in the mirror, admiring herself. “I do look cute. Sirius is just going to love this.” I rolled my eyes and Carrie made like she was going to smack Sarah. “Just to give you forewarning, don’t wait up for me.” She turned to the rest of us and smiled. “He isn’t going to be able to keep his hands off me if you catch my drift.” Sarah turned back to look at herself while Lily cringed. Care shuddered as I suddenly coughed. That was a picture I didn’t want to have hanging around in my head. 

“Nienna, I think you caught Siri’s cough. You really shouldn’t play doctor so much.” 

I nodded, unable to say anything. My two other roommates had puzzled looks on their faces, but I shrugged my shoulders and went to grab the silver colored hunting bow on my bed. I thought for a moment about whether or not to take it before deciding against it. It would just get in the way. 

“Is everyone ready?” Carrie questioned, getting impatient. We could already hear the loud music coming from the Common Room. “It’s going to be half over if we don’t get our butts down there.” 

Without a word, Lily and I grabbed hold of Sarah and pulled her away from the mirror and out of our room. Carrie shut the door behind us and we hurried down the staircase. 

Once we reached the bottom, we all split up. Lily took off to the side of the room farthest from James Potter, Carrie headed straight for the refreshments, and Sarah went in search of her boy toy. I stood by the steps watching all of Gryffindor Tower party it up. It was obvious that half of them were already drunk and the rest of them were on their way. 

I didn’t really know what to do. I always felt out of sorts at parties, especially when my best friends left me. So I stood there, out of the way of everyone else, feeling like a lame duck. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my personal healer.” 

I knew at that very moment that I should just run back up the steps, but I couldn’t. Instead, I forced myself to look up at the person who had just appeared beside me. 

“Hello, Sirius,” I replied as calmly as possible. He was dressed as the warrior Achilles, or at least the part of him that was clothed was. He was half naked and I foolishly wondered if he even had his boxers on. I could feel a hot blush creep into my cheeks at the places my mind was going. The grin on his face made it worse. 

“You know, you should think about wearing that all the time. It really makes you stand out from the rest of the girls in this place.” 

I snorted at the thought, trying to not pay attention to the words coming from his mouth. “Sarah’s looking for you.” 

He shrugged and took a drink from the glass in his hand. “Who cares? I’m done with her anyways.” 

Before I could stop it, my mouth dropped open, making him grin again. “Wha…why?” I already knew the answer. 

“I’m over her. She no longer…captivates me.” 

“Does she know?” I didn’t like how annoying Sarah was about Sirius and was actually kind of glad that it was over, but I didn’t want her to get hurt like that. 

“I told her, but I think she thought I was joking. I said, ‘Babe, it’s over’. She looked at me and then laughed and walked away.” 

“Oh.” 

His grey eyes were locked on mine, making it impossible to look away. “Besides, I’ve already moved on.” 

“Ha…have you now?” I stumbled over my words, my heart speeding up. He nodded and moved a little closer, so he didn’t have to talk so loud. 

“Yeah, you see, I’ve become completely enamored by this little brunette that I know.” All I could do was stare. He wasn’t really starting this again, was he? “In fact, I think you know her too.” 

“Do I?” 

Sirius nodded, his raven hair falling playfully in his eyes. “She seems to have dressed up as a Greek Goddess tonight. I think she knew how turned on I get by goddesses.” He winked at me and my breath caught in my lungs. 

“I’m sure she didn’t,” I muttered. 

“Then it’s just a magnificent coincidence, isn’t it? So tell me, where is that sexy friend of yours?” 

My heart fell. I couldn’t believe that I had really started to fall for that, thinking he was talking about me. “Care’s over by the drinks.” 

“Thanks, Nen.” Just as quickly as he appeared, he was gone, off to find my best friend. I thought for a moment that I was going to cry. A lump grew in my throat, but I pushed it down. There was no way I was going to let him ruin the night for me. I made my way to the dance floor and grabbed hold of the closest available guy. I didn’t even bother looking at who it was at first. My goal was to get Sirius out of my head and with the help of dance moves that would have made my Mum blush that was accomplished. Oh, and a couple glasses of spiked punch. 

“I never knew you could be this wild,” a voice said to me as a Hobgoblins song ended. I finally took notice of the dance partner I had been using. He was tall, lean, and hair so blond he could have been a Malfoy. It was Nykolas Duritz, a good looking sixth year who was waging a seemingly never ending war over female attention with Sirius. Of course he was losing. Black needed only to exist to gain attention, but Duritz had a little more trouble. Whether it played a part or not in their mutual dislike of each other I didn’t know. 

“Well, if you hadn’t noticed I’m not me tonight. I’m Artemis.” I took a step back and showed off my costume. As I waved my hands in front of my costume my head started to spin so I grabbed hold of Nykolas. 

“I see that,” he laughed and placed his arms around me. My forehead rested against his chest. “You know,” he whispered in my ear. I struggled to focus on his words. I was feeling disoriented and my head was now pounding. I held onto him tighter, afraid that if I let go I would fall to the floor. “I think we should ditch this party. I know a great place we could go for some privacy.” 

I slowly nodded into his musketeer tunic because any other response would result in losing my headrest. He led me through the crowd and out into the dark corridor.


	3. Losing thoughts and random lockets

“Wake up.” Someone kicked me in the side. 

“What?” I snapped, angry about my sleep being disturbed. 

“Ladden, right?” I looked up to see Black, the Slytherin one. 

“What are you doing here?” I demanded as I sat up. 

“I could ask you the same.” A smirk formed on his lips and I cringed at how similar it was to Sirius’. “People normally don’t fall asleep in the corridor, but then I don’t spend much time around Gryffindors.” 

“What do you mean?” He waved his hand, showing off the scenery. It was, indeed, a corridor and one I wasn’t too familiar with at that. “Where am I?” 

“Not far from the Slytherin Common Room.” 

I lifted myself off the floor, taking in my surroundings as well as the younger Black. They were similar in many ways, though Regulus was smaller. His shoulders weren’t as broad and he hadn’t entirely lost his boyish looks; something Sirius outgrew at fourteen. They were only two years apart yet Regulus could almost be mistaken for a third year while Sirius could pass for twenty. I suddenly pictured Sirius teasing his little brother for looking like a kid while giving him tips for picking up girls. I shook my head. Only in a different world. 

“Well, could you point me in the direction of the Tower?” I asked, focusing on the situation. He pointed to the hall on his left and I made to leave “Thanks.” 

“Wait.” His voice was as halting as Sirius’s. 

“Umm, yeah?” I asked starting to become a bit apprehensive of him. He was a Black after all. 

He grabbed something out of his pocket and looked at it for a moment. “I wasn’t going to give this back to you, but I guess there’s a reason you have it, so here.” He thrust the object into my hand. “It was lying beside you.” 

Bewildered, I stared at it. It was a piece of parchment folded perfectly into a tiny envelope. I had no idea what it was and I really didn’t want to open it and be surprised with the man who was going to steal it right in front of me. “Uhh, thanks, Black. I appreciate it.” He nodded and trudged back to wherever he had come from. Once I knew he was gone I opened it. 

A fine gold chain with a small pendant fell into my hand. The paper had nothing on it, but I kept hold of it anyways. I looked over the necklace, wondering where it had come from. The pendant was actually a small rose gold locket with a black diamond covering much of the front. I opened it, but nothing was inside. On the back there was an engraving of some kind, but it was in some other language. Not knowing what else to do I slipped the necklace back into the envelope and kept a tight hold on it. 

Lovely, something else to take up space in my brain trying to figure it out. At least I knew Lily would be able to figure out the writing, that was a plus. Unfortunately, I still needed to figure out how I ended up there in the first place. 

I tried to remember, but my mind was foggy and I couldn’t make sense of anything. What happened last night? I groaned. 

“I really hope I didn’t do anything with Nyk last night. What if I did? What if I wasn’t even with him? Oh Merlin, what if I went off with Black?” My head was flooded with all of the ridiculous possibilities running through my mind. “What if I did go off with Black? Wait, what if I went off with Regulus? How else would I end up here?” 

I froze when I heard someone clear their throat. “Tell me, Princess, how many times do I need to remind you that people will question your sanity if they find you rambling on to yourself?” A somewhat disheveled Sirius came up beside me and took my hand. “It’s alright though; I actually admire you for it. It makes you that much more intriguing. Perhaps I should give it a try some time.” He grinned at me. 

“Are you stalking me or something?” I blurted out, annoyed and flustered. 

He shook his head. “Not currently. I do believe you’re next on my list, though.” I glared at him. “Now, love, what were you rambling on about?” He smiled sweetly to me as if he really cared. 

“None of your business,” I retorted, gripping the necklace in my other hand tighter. 

“Oh, really? I think it is my business since my brother and I were both mentioned.” He grabbed my other hand. 

“It’s nothing. I can talk to myself about whomever I want.” I regretted the words once they came out. I really needed to stop making myself look like a complete loon. 

“Hmm, I don’t think it’s nothing, but I’ll leave you to deal with it.” Despite the grip I had on the envelope, he managed to pry my fingers open. He grabbed it and looked it over, pulling out the locket, examining it. “Where’d you get this?” 

I shrugged my shoulders and quickly tried to grasp it, but he pulled it away from me. 

“Wow, Princess, someone must be serious about you.” He carefully slid the locket into the envelope and gave it back to me. “Do you like it?” he asked. 

I looked at him for a moment. If I didn’t know better I would say that he was anxious. “I don’t even know if it’s for me. It’s pretty, but I wouldn’t feel right wearing it.” 

“Oh,” he said, seeming a little disappointed. 

We stood there in an awkward silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. “Well, I hope you get it all figured out.” Without waiting for me to say anything, he turned around and headed in the other direction. 

Why was he acting so strangely? I shook my head and continued back to my dorm. I knew Carrie and Lily could help me decipher everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Nienna, there you are. We’ve been so worried. Where have you been?” Lily began, immediately showing her motherly side. 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know what happened last night.” For once I wasn’t bothered by her over-protectiveness. She flung her arms around me and squeezed tight. “Lily…can’t breathe!” I gasped and she quickly let go. 

“Sorry, I’ve just been so worried.” 

“We all have,” Care announced as she walked out of the bathroom. “What happened to you last night?” 

“I don’t know.” We all congregated on my bed like usual. I never understood why my bed was used as the meeting place, but I didn’t fight it. “All I know is I was woken up by the other Black. I was asleep in the corridor by Slytherin. I don’t remember anything else. I can’t remember leaving the Common Room or being with anyone.” 

“Well, we know what you did while you were here and who you left with, but I’m not sure that you want to hear it,” Lily said. She had grabbed her blue pillow and held it close to her. 

“Of course I want to know.” 

“No, Nen, I don’t think you do.” 

Carrie frowned at me before turning to Lily. “She needs to know.” After a moment of heavy silence Lily agreed. They both turned to me, making me squirm with nervous anticipation. “Now, we don’t know what happened after you left. We just know who you left with.” 

“Go on,” I pleaded. My mind was racing again and my breathing was slightly labored. 

“Nienna, we’re only telling you this because you have the right to know. We don’t hold anything against you for doing it because we know that you weren’t yourself last night,” Lily began. The look on her face almost killed me, it was just too pitiful. 

“You left the Tower at about midnight. You, well, you weren’t yourself. It was like someone had possessed you. The way you were throwing yourself at Duritz, no one understood it. He didn’t mind of course. He even convinced you to leave with him.” Carrie was trying to put the situation as lightly as possible, but I feared the ending more and more. 

“So I left with Nykolas?” 

“Yeah, but you came back not long afterward,” Carrie continued. “Then you left again.” 

“By myself?” 

They looked at each other again before Lily began to speak. “You weren’t the only one acting crazy last night. The way he kept staring at you, even when he was with others. The later it became the more intense he was. He was angry. He couldn’t stand looking at you with Nykolas.” 

“Remember, we would have stopped you if that had been an option,” Carrie added. 

By now I was close to ripping out my hair from the anticipation. “C’mon, just tell me already.” Lily took in a deep sigh. 

“You left with Black.” 

I stared at my friends. How could that be right? I would never have gone anywhere with him, especially not on Halloween. “What do you mean I left with him?” 

Carrie shrugged. “Like we said, we don’t know what happened after the two of you left, we just know you were with him.” 

“I saw him this morning after the rude awakening his little brother gave me. He never said anything about being with me last night.” I paused, trying to remember anything. Then I did. “Wait, I remember that he specifically told me that he fancied you Care and he went off to talk to you.” 

It was her turn to be shocked. “Umm, he talked to me, but it was just like always. Besides, he didn’t pay attention to me; he had his eyes on you.” 

I shook my head. “That can’t be. I would never have left with him in a million years. I learned my lesson two years ago!” Besides Sirius and myself, my two best friends were the only other people who knew about the incident in fifth year. 

“You weren’t yourself last night. Besides, you must not have gone anywhere with him. Regulus found you. I’m sure you ditched him and just wound up getting yourself lost and passed out somewhere. This is you we’re talking about.” I could tell Carrie was trying her best to make light of the situation. 

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s it,” Lily readily agreed. I didn’t know what to think. He hadn’t mentioned anything, but maybe he didn’t remember either. Then again, why was he down in that part of the castle? 

I stuck out my hand then, showing them the envelope with the locket. “Regulus found this lying beside me.” 

Lily grabbed it and looked it over, magnifying the words with her wand so she could see the inscription. “It’s in French, I think. I saw a French dictionary in the library once. We can check it out later.” She handed it to Carrie. “Do you know where it came from?” 

“I don’t know. Regulus found it lying next to me. He originally pocketed it, but changed his mind and gave it back.” 

“This necklace must have cost a fortune and you don’t know who gave it to you? Merlin, I’d hate to be your boyfriend,” Carrie said. 

I threw a pillow at her and she started laughing. Lily grabbed the locket back and put in the top drawer of my nightstand. “You should talk to Sirius again. This time with us around so we can help piece together what happened last night. Then we can borrow the French book.” 

I nodded as Carrie threw the pillow back at me. Before I could toss it back, Lily grabbed it. “We’re leaving to talk to him now, girls.” 

Both of us groaned and whined about how Lily was too much like another mother. She ignored us. 

After a quick change of clothes, and unfortunately no shower, the three of us headed off to find the one person I liked to avoid the most. Carrie was trying to keep the mood as light as possible, but with every step my mood seemed to darken. I groaned inwardly. Why did that stupid git have to keep coming up in my life?


	4. Can anyone say drama?

Sirius was leaning against the wall of books, pretending to listen to my friends rant. His eyes held a kind of dazed look like he was staring off into space. Occasionally he would glance at me, but I didn’t know what to make of it. I was feeling out of it and like a little fool who couldn’t take care of herself. I suppose I couldn’t blame him for not listening to Carrie and Lily because I wasn’t paying any attention either. 

“Come on Nen, you need to get away from this…” Lily looked at him with so much contempt I didn’t know she could give to anyone other than James Potter. She couldn’t even finish her sentence. She grabbed hold of my arm and Carrie took the other one, trying to lead me away. 

I was shocked at first. I didn’t realize what was going on. I looked at both of my very angry friends and then at Sirius. He was starting to walk away too. I knew I should go with them, but something in me said to stay. 

Carrie gripped my arm tighter and dragged me along. Then, a little too loudly, she said, “Black is the biggest, best looking arse in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s not your fault that you were easy enough to be seduced by him.” 

I ripped my arm from her grasp and stared at her. Even Lily was shocked. I couldn’t believe she had said that. It occurred to me that she didn’t mean it like that, but the thought was so fleeting it hardly left an impression. 

“What did you just say to me?” 

“Nienna, she didn’t mean it like that. Let’s go,” Lily pleaded. 

“Oh Nen, you know what I said.” 

“No, I don’t think I do!” My voice was getting louder and it was drawing the attention of the whole library. 

Lily looked frantically between the two of us, knowing very well that she wouldn’t be able to cool things off. Neither Carrie nor I were going to calm down anytime soon. 

“You’re just overreacting like always.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me! You are the biggest drama queen I’ve ever met!” 

Lily tried again. “Where is this coming from? You two are best mates! What’s going on?” 

Carrie scoffed. “As if you don’t know, Lils. You said it yourself just the other day. Told me how you were just as sick as I was about Nienna’s drama. You said that you couldn’t wait until Christmas so you could get away from her!” 

I gaped at Lily. I couldn’t believe my ears. I didn’t want to believe it, but the guilty look on Lily’s face proved it. “Lily?” I struggled to get her name out. 

“It wasn’t like that Nen, I swear!” I could tell that she just wanted this to be over and forgotten, but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. 

“Oh yes it was and you know it,” Carrie yelled at the redhead. Then she turned back to me. “No one cares about your psycho mom or how bad you are in Charms.” I stood there, just staring because I couldn’t find any words. I was being abandoned by my best friend, both of them actually; Lily was just too sweet to admit that I bugged her. The whole library was listening, waiting for whatever was to come next. Unfortunately, the new librarian wasn’t anywhere to be found to kick us out. “And you know what else?” Care taunted. “No one cares that you’re easy enough to sleep with Sirius Black!” She screamed it as loud as she could and the gasps and loud whispers of all the spectators filled my brain. Lily looked ready to hit Carrie, but she was frozen too. 

Carrie spun around and walked off. Lily reached out to me, her hand brushed my shoulder before I slapped it away.

“Nienna, please listen. I was in a bad mood that day. You’re my best friend and I—.”

“Just stop.”

“But Ni—”

I held my hand up, no longer able to respond for fear of what would come out. I couldn’t even look at her. I stared at my feet and held my other arm over my stomach. Lily waited a few moments before slowly walking away. 

I could feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me. I wanted to run away. I wanted to wipe my tears and forget about everything; to walk out of the library, strong and confident, and tell Carrie what I thought about her, but I couldn’t. I just stood there. The whispers grew louder until they invaded my mind. It shouldn’t matter if I slept with Sirius. Merlin knew plenty of other girls had been with him. But I wasn’t like those girls. I was Nienna Ladden, Lily Evans’ best friend and everyone knew that friends of Lily did not one night stands with Sirius Black. 

A warm hand found my own and urged me forward. I didn’t look to see who it was, I just let it lead me away from the stares of judgmental schoolmates. When I finally looked up, I found myself in a deserted corridor, my hand still holding on to the gentle calloused hand.

Sirius pointed to a bench and I sat, staring ahead, not looking at him as he sat beside me. “Nienna,” he started, but he never finished. He just sat there, like me, looking at nothing but the stray student or ghost passing by. 

Long minutes passed by before we even looked at each other. Then, once the eye contact was made, neither of us could break it. 

“Siri…” I tried to say, but failed. 

“Shh, Princess,” he soothed, gently running his hand through my hair. 

More time passed and the longer we stayed in silence, the better I felt. I relaxed. The fight seemed more like a distant memory than something that happened less than an hour ago. It wasn’t just that though. The anxiety I normally felt around him, and had for two years, was absent. At some point my legs were draped over his and he tapped his fingers against them like he was drumming along to a song. There was no flirting, no inappropriate caressing. It felt like the first four years of friendship before a handful of mistakes ruined it all.

“Sirius?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I’m officially like all the other girls you’ve been with. We’ve finally come out,” I teased, but only a small, insufficient smile flicked across his face. 

“No, you aren’t like them.” 

“How do you figure?” 

He looked over at me and paused his tapping. “I’d never be here with any of them.” 

I smiled a little, knowing it was the truth. Once he’d had them, he didn’t have much to do with the other girls.

“You never have been able to leave me alone.”

He leaned his head against the wall. “Of course not. I don’t abandon my friends.”

I glanced away. “I’m not sure we can be called friends.”

He flicked my leg. His eyes were bright and smiling, even if there was only a trace of a grin on his face. “We’ve always been friends. Ever since we climbed in the same boat.” 

“You were a lot different back then,” I said, remembering the boy who was almost instantly alienated from everything he’d known in the short time it took the Sorting Hat to shout Gryffindor. It was almost hard to believe the boy proudly wearing a red and gold sweater in front of me had spent his first day as a Gryffindor begging McGonagall and Dumbledore to let him switch houses.

“Well a little brunette convinced me to quit being a git.”

“When did you ever stop being a git?”

He pinched my knee.

“Ow.” I swatted at his hand, but he grabbed it.

“Watch it, Ladden, or I won’t be so nice to you.” 

I stuck out my tongue. He smiled and held my hand, swinging it back and forth.

“So what happened between you and your friends?” He asked.

I shook my head, my good mood deflated. “I don’t know. Everything seemed fine, just like always, but what do I know? All I care about is myself.” 

“You’re not like that.” 

“Maybe you just don’t see it.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I know narcissists, Nienna, and you’re not one. You’re always there for your friends. Every time Lily got a nasty letter from her sister; when Carrie’s boyfriend dumped her after two years; helping Sarah pass her OWLs. Whenever they need you, you’re there.” He leaned close, cupping my cheek with his hand. “You held my hand for an hour after finding me crying under the Quidditch stands when you didn’t even have to come looking for me.” 

I felt the tears threatening to start again, but I couldn’t look away from him. “How d—”

“There you are, Padfoot.”

He pulled away and I quickly wiped my eyes as James, Remus, and Peter stopped in front of us. James stuffed a piece of parchment in his pocket.

“Have you been looking for me?” 

Peter nodded enthusiastically. “Prongs just came up with a great prank to play on some Slytherins.”

“It’s brilliant,” James started, a big grin on his face. “They’ll never know what hit ‘em. And if all goes to plan, they’re arms will be red and gold for a week.”

Sirius smirked. “You know I’m in.” He started to get up, but stopped. “Want to come with?” He asked me.

I shook my head. “I’m not exactly good at that sort of thing.”

“I can stay if you—”

“No, that’s okay,” I said, giving him the best smile I could muster. “Go dye some Slytherins. I have to finish up my Runes essay anyhow.”

He lightly rubbed my shoulder. “Don’t work too hard.” He stood then, and he, James, and Peter started walking down the corridor while filling Sirius in on the plan. Remus, however, lingered in front of me.

“Are you okay?” He asked. 

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I will be at least.” 

“If you need anything…”

“Hurry up, Moony,” James called from down the hall. 

I gave him a small smile. “You should get going.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but I headed off in the other direction before he could. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I needed to find my friends and try to make things right.


	5. Burning up

I slowly opened the door to my dorm room, my resolve wavering. I almost pulled back to head down the stairs, but I stopped myself. The only Lily was inside. She was sitting on her bed, hugging the small the pillow her mum had made her.

“Hey,” I said as I shut the door behind me. 

Lily looked up, mascara stains under her eyes. “Nen.”

I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. “I’m sorry if I’ve been annoying.”

She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I never meant what I said. You’re my best friend and I—”

I smiled slightly. “It’s okay. Sometimes friends get on each other’s nerves.”

“Can you forgive me?”

“Of course, Lils. Will you forgive me for being a drama queen?”

“We’re teenage girls. We’ve all been drama queens at some point.” 

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her. “What would I do without you?”

“Oh please,” she started as she squeezed me tight. “I ask myself that about you every day.”

We pulled apart. Lily wiped her eyes with the tissue she had clutched in her hand. 

“I don’t suppose it’ll be this easy to make up with Carrie,” I said. 

She shook her head. “I tried to talk to her, but she just started screaming at me and left. I have no idea where she’s gone off to.”

“Maybe that’s for the best. I’m not sure I could talk to her right now.” I moved off Lily’s bed to sit on my own. 

“Let’s not think about that now,” she said, tossing the tissue in the bin by the end of her bed. She grabbed a small, but thick book off her nightstand. “I think I figured out what that inscription says.”

I sat up a little straighter and watched carefully as she held up the locket. “So?”

“It says ‘À tois, pour toujours’ which is French for ‘forever yours’. Are you sure you don’t know where it came from?”

“I wish I did, but I don’t even know if it’s mine or someone else’s.”

She set the book down and started studying the necklace. “It’s an awfully expensive thing to give to someone. I can’t imagine most students having access to that kind of money.” 

“Maybe it’s a family heirloom.”

“Hmm…it’s possible. Still, whoever gave this away intended it for someone they love.” We were both silent for a few moments, just staring at the necklace. “I know you won’t want to hear this,” Lily started, causing me to break my gaze. “But maybe it’s possible Sirius gave this to you.” 

I groaned. “There’s no way.”

“Just hear me out.” Her tone demanded attention, reminding me of McGonagall during a lecture. “You said Regulus had pocketed it, but he gave it back. What did he say to you?”

I thought back on this morning. Had it really just been this morning? “He said there must be a reason I had it so he gave it back to me.”

She nodded as if I had confirmed something. “I don’t really know him, but he doesn’t strike me as a common thief. I think he recognized it and that’s why he was going to take it. If it’s something from the family that Sirius somehow had, then it would make sense for Regulus to consider taking it back.”

“Or he just really likes pretty necklaces.”

“I’m being serious.”

“Who said I’m not?”

She rolled her eyes. “Anyways, it’s just a theory. It’s always possible you just happened to come across it by chance last night.”

“Yes, I’m posi—”

“But it’s highly unlikely. Until you prove me wrong I’m working on the theory that Sirius gave it to you, but you were so messed up last night you don’t remember.”

I shrugged and Lily carefully placed the necklace on top of her nightstand. Why didn’t I remember? I never drank much, but was it really normal to become black-out drunk after only a couple spiked drinks and then not have a hangover?

“Umm, Lily,” I started. She was touching up her makeup with the help of a handheld mirror. “How many drinks did you have last night?”

She looked up, a quizzical look on her face. “Four, I think. The alcohol wasn’t too strong. I figured you must’ve had a lot for how you were acting.”

I shook my head. “I only remember having two, maybe three, and after that everything is missing. I can’t remember anything else until I woke up.” 

Lily’s eyes were wide. “Did Duritz get one of your drinks or take it from you?” 

“No, I mean I had already downed them by the time I realized I was dancing with him. I just grabbed one whenever someone walked by with them.”

She set down the mirror and grasped my hands. “You’re absolutely positive?”

I started to answer when a loud knock came from the door. We just stared at it for a moment before it opened up. McGonagall stood in the doorway.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, ladies, but Miss Ladden, would you mind following me to my office?”

All I could do was stare, open mouthed. Lily answered first.

“Is something the matter, Professor?” 

Her steady gaze never left me. “This is a personal matter, Miss Evans. If Miss Ladden chooses to discuss it with you afterward, then so be it, but it is not my place to explain it to you. Now, Miss Ladden, if you’d please follow me.”

I nodded my head and headed to the door, giving Lily one final glance before I followed McGonagall down the stairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I entered McGonagall’s office and seated myself at a desk. I had never been in trouble with her before, but I had seen Sirius and his friends in trouble enough times to know how fierce she could be when angered. I couldn’t stop my body from trembling as I waited for her to start speaking. Had she learned that I was out all night?

McGonagall stared at me with that strict school marm look she always had. I gulped. Was she going to yell at me or what?

The professor let out a long sigh and removed her glasses. “Miss Ladden, do you have any idea why you’re in here?” 

“If it had to do with last night, I’m really sorry Professor. I have no idea how I ended up in that corridor. I don’t even know why I left the Tower. I only had a couple of drinks, but I can’t remember anything at all. I swear to you, if I had been myself none of that would have happened.”

She stared at me for a moment, replaced her glasses, and started, “Miss Ladden, what are you talking about?” 

I could feel my face heat up and I shrunk in my seat. “Isn’t that what you wanted to talk about?”

“What? Of course not. I do not have the time to monitor my students’ moves every moment of the day, Miss Ladden.” She looked somewhat puzzled and I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t understand things myself. “However, I am here if you ever need discuss certain personal problems.” I nodded my head and saw a small smile form on her thin lips for a moment before she composed herself.

“Then what did you need to speak to me about?”

She let out another sigh. “I am not sure how to tell you this, but I told Professor Dumbledore that I would take care of the matter.” She paused. “Miss Ladden, this is not easy for me and it will be even worse for you. After a notice from your sister-in-law, the Headmaster and I have decided it best to send you home for a time. You will be able to return later, but for now you need to pack your things and travel home tonight. You’ll leave in two hours.”

“What? Professor, I don’t understand. Why do I have to go home?” I didn’t know what to think. What was going on that was so important I couldn’t stay in school? 

McGonagall shook her head. “We were asked to not give you the details. She wrote that she wanted to tell you when you are surrounded by loved ones to care for you. Now, you must go pack your things.” She stood and ushered me to stand too. I did and made to walk for the door. I was so confused. Before I shut the door behind me McGonagall called out. “I am truly sorry, Nienna, and remember that if you should find yourself in need of a confidant I am always here.”

~~~~~~~~

When I arrived back at that dorm, no one was there. On top of my bed was a note from Lily.

Nen, I went to dinner with Sarah. Meet us down there if you can. I have Head Girl duties tonight, but please tell me everything when I get back. -Lily

I crumpled the note in my shaking hands. I wanted to talk to Lily now, but I didn’t have time to go to the Great Hall. I looked at the clock on the wall, I only had about ninety minutes left. My mind kept going to the worst places. I had to move, I had to do something. Without any further hesitation I started packing.

It always amazed me how much a trunk could hold. It was almost never ending. I neatly folded all of my clothes that were still in there and folded up all of the rest too. It didn’t take long to get all of my clothes packed. I went to the bathroom and collected my shampoo, conditioner, hair and tooth brush, and all of the other odds and ends. 

Before I left the bathroom, I glanced at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a bloodshot and my hair was still a mess. I thought about fixing myself up, but what was the point? 

I left the bathroom and dumped my stuff into the waiting trunk. I then grabbed the pillow and blanket I had brought from home and the stuffed giraffe my oldest brother had given me when I was seven. Then I went over to my nightstand. I pulled out the bottom drawer and dumped the contents into the trunk and then did the same with the middle drawer. 

I purposely skipped the top one and moved to the few items on top of it. I grabbed the picture of me and my brothers and carefully tucked it in. I tossed the books in after, making sure that I didn’t hurt the picture. Then I opened up the top drawer. I grabbed everything and dumped it in with everything else. I paused by the necklace still laying on Lily’s nightstand, my hand hovering over. I shook my head and left it. 

Forty minutes had passed when I finished packing. Less than an hour more and I would be on my way home to unknown circumstances. No, I can’t think about that. I grabbed hold of the trunk and drug it down the stairs with me. 

The Common Room was surprisingly empty. I decided everyone must be eating so I took the rare solitude to sit by the fire, leaving the trunk by the couch. It was so strange to idly sit there with no one to keep me company. I stared into the flames trying once more to figure out what was going on in my life. 

“Why do I have to leave so suddenly?” I pulled at my ears and rocked against the couch. My mind kept going to a dark place and I was finding it difficult to stop it. I covered my face with my hands and buried my head in the floor. I let out a muffled scream as I contemplated what I was going to do. “I can’t take this.”

“Nienna?” a quiet voice came from behind me as a hand gently rested on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

I looked up to see Remus standing next to me. He was pale and looking much worse than he had just a few hours ago. I slowly nodded my head and then paused. “I don’t know.”

He sat beside me on the floor. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about.”

“Is it about the fight with Carrie and Lily?”

I shook my head. “No, that’s the furthest thing from my mind right now.”

He patted my hand. “Sirius didn’t cause more trouble for you, did he?”

I couldn’t help the ‘HA’ that escaped. “No, he didn’t.” I rubbed my knees. “I’m being sent home.”

“What?” Remus nearly shouted. His face was contorted somewhere between disbelief and concern.

“I-I don’t know what’s going on. I have to leave soon. McGonagall said my sister-in-law wrote to Dumbledore that I need to return home immediately and that she’ll tell me what’s going on when I get there. I ca-what if something happened? I-I just don’t…” My voice cracked and I felt the wet warmth of tears rolling down my cheeks. 

“Hey, Nen, it’s okay. It will be okay.” Remus hugged me, covering my crying face with his shoulder. “No matter what it is, you’ll be able to handle it.”

“I don’t know.”

He pulled back and looked me in the eye. “You will be okay. You can’t let yourself get so worked up when you’re not even sure what’s happened. No matter what it is, I know you’ll get through it. Plus if you need anything, you have plenty of people here to help.”

I sniffled. “Thanks.”

Remus nodded and pulled me in for another hug. 

We sat for several minutes in that position. My tears dried up, but I didn’t want to pull away from him. I thought that if I did I would break down again and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. 

“Nienna, we should go get something to eat,” he said after awhile.

I shook my head. “I don’t have time.”

He slowly released me and studied me for a moment. “You could just swing by and grab a quick snack before you leave.”

I gave him a small smile. He looked even worse than when he first sat down with me. “Yeah, I’m sure. Go eat. It’ll make you feel better.”

He nodded and gave me another quick hug before standing up. “Have a safe trip and don’t forget to write and let us know what’s going on.”

“I will.”

Remus gave me a small wave goodbye before heading out of the Common Room. I leaned against the coffee table and glanced at the clock on the wall. Fifteen minutes.


	6. Losing it all

I stepped off the train, not entirely certain of anything. It had been a very long trip. After boarding the Hogwarts Express I spent several hours completely alone. Not even the Trolley Lady was there. All of the time alone took a toll on my mind. By the time I got off at King’s Cross I was ready to beat my head in. From there I caught a muggle train that took me to the coast where I got on a ferry to Northern Ireland. I then walked the short distance to the train station, waited about an hour, and was on the last leg of my journey. It was very early in the morning when it finally stopped. When I got out I had expected my mother or Sean to be there, but no one was in sight.

“Nienna!” a woman’s voice called out to me. In the dim light I could just make out the chubby form of my sister-in-law.

“Alorah, what are you…” Before I could finish she threw her arms around me and immediately began sobbing.

“Thank goodness you’re here!”

“What’s going on?”

She let go of me and wiped her eyes. “I can’t explain here. Let’s go.” She grabbed my trunk and led me to the muggle car she and Sean owned.

Once we had piled everything in she drove quickly to the little house my brother had bought when they got married. No words were exchanged on the short trip and when we arrived I once again expected Sean to be there.

Alorah immediately stepped out of the car and grabbed my belongings before hurrying me into the house and locking the door. After that she cast several spells to ensure that no one could get through the door. I sat down in a chair in the kitchen as she reinforced the whole house.

I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had never seen Alorah so frantic, so scared. She ran about the house for five minutes casting protective spells everywhere. Her actions were bothering me so much I grabbed my own wand and cast a couple over the whole house. Finally she began to settle down and sat across from me. Her eyes were wide and scared, more like the hurt kitten I found a couple summers ago.

“Alorah,” I began slowly. “Where’s Sean? Where’s Bobby?”

Fat tears swelled in her eyes. “They’re gone. Everyone is gone. Your mum, Sean, my…my baby!” Violent sobs shook her body. 

“What…?” Chills ran through my body, already guessing what she was going to say.

“There have been attacks Nienna. A couple days ago Sean took Bobby over to see your mum and…and…they never came back! They were found that night when Dr. Mavros went to check on your mum after she didn’t go to her appointment. It was nothing short of a massacre. I can’t…” Sobs over took her. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way.

I slowly stood and walked over to one of the windows. The sun’s rays were just starting to peek through the dark. “When are the funerals?”

“In two days,” she choked out. I grabbed some tissues and took them to her. She greedily took them and blew loudly. All I could do was stare. Why wasn’t I acting like that? Why, except for the few tears falling from my eyes, was I not crying? I shook my head. Maybe I was just too tired to believe any of this.

“I’m going to go lay down,” I announced, walking out of the room. Alorah blew her nose again in response. With my wand I lifted my belongings up the steep stairs to the spare room. 

Once I entered I dropped my things and fell on the bed. As I closed my eyes I hoped beyond hope that I would wake up in my dorm and all of this would have just been a bad dream.

~~~~~~

Alorah warned me the next morning that nothing was cleaned up and that the sight was not going to be pretty. Still, as dawn broke I left my brother’s house and made the five kilometer walk to my home. I used the free time to prepare myself for whatever I was about to encounter. I still wasn’t sure I actually understood what was going on.

I forced myself to look at the ground the whole way. I didn’t want to see it before I was ready. Of course, I arrived at the house well before I was ready. I had stopped at the front gate and took a moment to breathe in before I let my eyes wander to the house. The once large beautiful home was now splotched black with burn marks. It looked as though it had been abandoned for years. Several windows were shattered, shingles and siding littered the surrounding yard. I could feel a lump in my throat, but I did my best to swallow it down. 

With slow steps, I made my way to the house. Every step became heavier and slower. I was almost to the door when a loud bark stopped me. I turned my head to the side of the house to see Charlie, the half German shepherd half wolf my father had given to me before he died. He limped over to me and I slowly knelt to pet him. His fur was matted and chunks were missing. Tears began to swell in my eyes as I softly pet him. If this is what became of my dog, I couldn’t imagine what happened to my family. Charlie nuzzled my cheek with his cold nose and then licked it. After lightly kissing him I stood and grabbed the handle. My hand shook as I did and I thought about not going through with it. I made myself turn the handle and push the door open and as soon as I did I wish I had stayed with Alorah. 

Dark red stains were splattered on all the surfaces. Furniture was toppled over and broken ceramics and glass was strewn across the floor. I hesitated at the doorway, not sure if I could continue, but Charlie nudged me forward. Cautiously, I stepped through the wreckage. I couldn’t believe it. The whole house was in total disarray. Pictures were scattered across the floors along with other debris, most of which I couldn’t make out. I spent little time downstairs before I climbed the steps. More blood covered everything. According to Alorah the second floor was where their remains were found. I explored the floor, but most of the stuff had been torched. 

With Charlie following me I pulled down the ladder to the attic and climbed up the rickety wood rungs. To my surprise everything was intact. It didn’t seem like anyone had bothered to come up here. The boxes my mother had spent hours meticulously packing were just as always; each with their very specific labels. My composure was finally starting to crack. The horror of the lower floors was sinking in and the reality of everything came rushing at me.

I fell to the ground as tears rolled from my eyes. I stared at the boxes of my past: Sean’s baby clothes, C.J.’s toys, Nienna’s dancing outfits. I choked on the lump in my throat and my sobs began. I reached over to the box with my name and opened it up. Three pairs of dancing shoes, one soft, one hard, and one glittery lay on top. Underneath were several folded up costumes and gowns in a variety of colors and embroidery. My sobs continued to grow as I lifted them out one by one. As I unfolded them I found pictures, some still and some moving, inside them. Shaking I looked them over. In the first one was a picture of my father and I after his last competition. His golden trophy was held in one hand while he held me with the other. In the next was after my first performance. It was a moving picture. I stood in the middle, a bright smile on my face. Next to me stood Sean and C.J. As they always did they were fooling around, trying to give each other bunny ears. Behind me was my mother. Her young face sparkled as tears of joy filled her eyes. I remembered the day perfectly. It was the happiest moment we had shared after my dad’s death. I broke down more and found myself unable to continue. My sobs shook my whole body. What was I going to do? Everything, everyone, they were gone. 

A small shuffle brought me back to the reality of where I was. My head popped up and I carefully laid the pictures on the ground. Everything was silent again, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was there. I sniffled and wiped my eyes before pulling out my wand, more than ready to use it.

“Show yourself!” I yelled. The fear of what could be lurking didn’t even cross my mind. Charlie growled and led me to where the sound came from. It was on the other side of the attic. I looked around the boxes, but found nothing. Charlie sniffed at one of them and immediately began barking. I looked down at it. It was labeled Ellie’s dresses. I knelt down slowly to open it up. Lying on top were the many bright dresses my little sister Ellie had out grown, but something was wrong. The dresses smelled disgusting. It was like entering an old outhouse, the stench was overwhelming. I gagged and began to shut it back up, but Charlie kept barking. 

“Oh, c’mon Charlie, it’s just soiled dresses.” Just as the words were out of my mouth it dawned on me. My mum was constantly cleaning. Even with all of her problems she made sure everything had to be perfect or it was trashed. 

I kicked the box and a whimper came from it. With my wand I dumped out the contents, not realizing how unready I was for what was to come out.

“Ellie!” I screamed. On the ground, surrounded by the dirty clothes, was my little sister. She was crying and squirming, trying to crawl away, but I grabbed her. “Ellie?”

She stopped moving as soon as she looked up into my face. “Nen?” Her face was dirty and she smelled of sweat and waste. Her shaking arms wrapped themselves around me and she sobbed into my shirt. I lightly patted her greasy hair. I didn’t know what to think. How did Ellie manage to survive when no one else could? “Nienna, I was so…so scared!” 

I pushed her back so I could look at her face. I couldn’t help but be overcome with a joy I didn’t think was possible to feel at a time like this. I picked her up as I began crying too. “It’s okay, El. I’m here. You’re going to be okay. I promise.”


	7. Found again

I sat on the steps watching the swarm of people fill up the house. The mass funeral was over and everyone had come back to Alorah’s house. With them they brought food, lots and lots of food. Some was for everyone who showed up to pay respects, but the rest was just for Alorah, me, and Ellie.

No one paid much attention to me while I was on the stairs. They would go about their business, most talking like a major tragedy hadn’t recently taken place. Others did their best to hold it together. Of course, there were the few that took the time to speak badly of my family.

“Oh they were a rotten bunch, they were,” some bleach blonde girl told her friends. “My daddy told me that they were no better than gypsies. They deserved what they got.” Her friends nodded in complete agreement. “There was something queer about each and every one of them. Did you know that even though they were completely broke Nienna still went to that private school? Sounds fishy to me. They were just…”

“Shut it, Cathy.” All of the girls, and even myself, were startled by the sudden interruption. I looked up to see my oldest friend, Jake, glaring at the group. “Weren’t you ever taught to not speak ill of the dead? I’d be cautious unless you want to curse yourself to an equally terrible fate.”

All of the girls stood in shock. From the looks of it some were actually frightened by Jake’s threat. Cathy, with a smug yet noticeably shaken look on her ugly face, led her gang away. I watched as Jake shook his head and then looked at me. 

“Long time no see, Nienna.” He sat by me, sighing as he did. “Not exactly how I thought I’d see you again.”

I rubbed my cheeks. “Me either.”

We sat there for a few moments in silence. Jake and I had been friends since we met at the park when we were three. I begged to go to the park every day after that until our parents started planning play-dates. Barely a day went by that we didn’t see each other until I left for Hogwarts. It’s hard to keep in touch with someone who can’t know you’re a witch.

“So how—”

“Oh my dear, granddaughter!” Jake’s words were lost as I glanced up at the shrieking voice. Before me were my grandmother and grandfather. My mum’s parents. With no warning the old woman grabbed me and placed a kiss on each cheek. 

“Hi,” I greeted, thoroughly uninterested in seeing them. 

“It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. You’ve grown so much!” My grandpa announced. Of course I’d grown. They hadn’t bothered to visit since I was eight.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ellie watching me. My heart ached. These two people making a fuss over me were the only other family she had and they couldn’t care less about her existence. I looked away from her. “Could you please excuse me?” I asked politely, making a point to let Jake know that he needed to follow. 

“Of course dear.” 

I made my way away from them, Jake tagging along behind. I walked over to my little sister and gave her a hug. 

“How are you doing, El?”

She shrugged. “Okay,” she whispered quietly. Her brown eyes were glossy and her face tear streaked. I grabbed her hand.

“C’mon. I want you to meet your grandparents.” I started walking back to the stairwell. Our grandparents looked strangely at us as I introduced Ellie.

“Hi,” she shyly greeted them. She wasn’t even alive the last time I had seen them.

“Hello, dearie,” our grandmother began. Once again I excused myself and went back to Jake who had chosen to stay close to the window.

“I’m back.”

He smiled down at me. “I see that. Maybe now they won’t pretend you guys don’t exist,” he said, pointing to my grandparents doting on Ellie as if it was natural. 

“Hmph, death never made them stay before.”

He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

“I think that would be perfect.”

~~~~~ 

“I’m really sorry about…well, you know.” We had been walking for several minutes in complete silence and I was beginning to think that a walk wasn’t a great idea. 

“It’s fine,” I almost snapped. I was so sick of people telling me how sorry they were. What did they have to be sorry about? It’s not as if they could’ve stopped it. It wouldn’t bring them back. I shook my head. That wasn’t what I wanted to think about.

“So…what’s been going on in the last few years? I haven’t seen you since we were twelve.”

I looked at Jake. I felt bad for snapping at him, but it didn’t matter now. Instead I focused on what I should tell him. I had to be careful about what I said. Jake was a muggle and the last thing I wanted was the Ministry bothering me about revealing the magical world. “Well, I’ve been at school.”

He rolled his eyes. “I know that, Nienna. What else has happened? You can’t tell me that you’ve been living in a hole for the last five years.”

I paused, not knowing how to take his words. He had always been sarcastic, but he seemed more annoyed than anything. “Well, I made friends. I found out I have a knack for Divination and Runes.” My eyes grew wide with what I had just said. I resisted the urge to smack myself. Maybe if I just pretend like I didn’t just screw up he won’t notice. “Then I…”

Jake stopped. “Wait a moment. Divination? Runes? What the bloody hell is that?”

“Oh,” I said innocently. “Did I say Divination and Runes?” He nodded. “I meant division.”

He looked at me skeptically. “And Runes?”

“Runes? Oh, umm…” I hesitated trying to think of an excuse. “Well actually it’s Egyptian History. It’s just we’re studying the runes right now and I’ve found that I’m good at identifying them.”

“Hmm, right, sounds interesting.” I could tell that he was having a hard time believing me. “What else?”

“Well, this year I’ve been paired with Peter Pettigrew in Po…I mean Chemistry. He’s an alright guy, but he’s not the brightest. He’s part of the Marauders, although I’ve never quite known how he made it. Sirius told me in third year that--"

“Sirius? What kind of name is that?” He interrupted.

“Well, he’s named after the Dog Star. His parents really like those kinds of names. His brother is Regulus.”

“Why would anyone name their child that? Sounds like a complete nutter to me.”

A strange surge of annoyance and protectiveness rose within me. “What’s wrong with that name? I was named Nienna. That’s a strange name. Do you think I’m a complete nutter?” I couldn’t believe the fury in my voice. Why had those simple words incited such a response from me?

Jake stared at me. I could tell that he was indeed beginning to think I was mad. “I’m sorry Nen, of course I don’t think that of you. It was just a thoughtless comments. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you and Sirius were…”

“We’re not!” I snapped again. “We aren’t together. We…”

“Okay! I’m sorry. What the hell is with you?”

I knew I should have just apologized, but I was on a streak and I wasn’t going to be stopped. “What’s with me? Well, let’s think about this! I just lost my whole family, Jake! Everyone. They’re all gone!” Hot tears started to spill from my eyes as I shouted. “They’re dead and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. Just like always. Now I’m stuck with a sister I can’t care for, grandparents who don’t care about anything other than themselves, and a sister-in-law who’s likely heading back to her own family because there isn’t anything here for her!” A horrible sob sounded within me as I fought to breathe. I turned away, trying to hide my anger and shame. What was wrong with me?

“Nen,” he started. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been such a git.” He walked around to face me. He tightly wrapped his arms around me and I couldn’t help but latch onto him. He was solid; he was there.

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me. I don’t…”

“Shh,” he soothed. “It’s okay. C’mon, let’s get back to the house.”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to go back there, not yet.”

“Alright, why don’t we go back to my house? My mum can fix you up some of those chocolate chip cookies you love. That sound good?”

I nodded and sniffled. “Thank you, Jake. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, Nen. It’s okay.”


	8. Facing fears and strange confessions

It had been three weeks since the funeral. Everyone had left and it was only me, Alorah, Ellie, and Charlie. People would still bring over food, although I had no idea why. We weren’t helpless, especially not in the kitchen. Alorah always said she would’ve done better in school if they offered cooking classes. My idea that she would leave was way off. She had actually decided that she would stay put, at least for the foreseeable future. We were all getting along well, although I was frequently told that I should return to school. I just wasn’t ready for that.

I received owls from Lily and Sarah, even Remus, but I didn’t reply to any of them. I wasn’t sure why. I suppose I just wanted to live life how it was. I know I had promised Remus I would write, but I just couldn’t. Also couldn’t help the stab of disappointment I felt whenever an owl wasn’t sent from Sirius. 

Everything had become simple. Sure, there were still times when one or all of us would break down, but we helped each other through it. Jake helped too. He was over at the house visiting every day when he got home from school. I started to remember why I had been friends with him in the first place and began to wonder why I never bothered to keep in touch with him.

“So, what are we going to do today?” Jake asked as soon as I opened the door. 

“Well, you’re going to think I’m insane if I tell you.”

He smirked. “Don’t worry, Nen, I already do.”

I playfully smacked him and grabbed my coat. It was cold being almost December and the last thing I wanted was to get sick. “C’mon let’s go.”

We walked back out of the house and I carefully locked the door. Alorah was still paranoid about being attacked. I had to hand it to her though, she lost her husband and baby son, and yet she was doing alright. I had a feeling that the strength she showed on the outside was just a mask to cover up the pain on the inside. I suppose that was just how all of us were though. We were trying our best to make it through.

“Will you tell me where we’re going?” 

“That depends. Do you promise not to talk me out of it?”

He nodded. “I promise.”

I looked at him to see if he was being truthful. “We’re going to my old home. I…I need to try and fix it.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

I nodded. “I want to clean it up and repair it.”

“Then what will you do with it? Move back in?”

I shuttered at the thought. “No, but I feel that I owe it to my family. I owe it to that house.” My eyes began to water. 

Jake gave me a small smile before taking my hand and pulling me into a hug. “I’ll help you do whatever you want.”

“Thank you,” I whispered as I pulled away from him. For some reason I just couldn’t get used to his hugs. They were warm, but they just weren’t like Sirius’s. They never calmed me down the same way.

~~~~~~

“Well, we’re here,” Jake announced as we entered the house. It was so odd being back here. Everything was basically the same. The only difference was that inside the blood was cleaned up. After the investigators were finished a crew came in to get rid of the blood. No one felt that it was right to leave it there and I was glad they had cleaned up. “Where should we start?”

I thought for a moment. “The attic.”

We slowly climbed the steps up to the second floor and up the ladder to the waiting attic. Everything was the same as when I found Ellie with the exception of her soiled dresses which had all been washed thanks to Alorah. 

“I want to get these boxes out of here. Alorah has a large storage space and she said that all of this could stay there. So that’s what we’ll do first.”

“Alright,” Jake agreed. “Does it matter where we start?”

I shook my head. “Just grab a box and take it out to the yard. Alorah’s renting a truck that will be here later to take it to her place.”

“Got it.”

~~~~~~

It didn’t take long before we finished. I was thankful for that. It was hard to not break down while I was in there, with all those memories. It was hard to take.

“So, when are you going to leave me and go back to school?” Jake asked as we sat outside waiting for the truck to arrive. 

“Hmm?” 

“When are you going back to school?”

“Oh, I’m not sure.” I thought for a moment. “After Christmas probably.”

Jake nodded and we sat in silence again. I looked over at my friend. He seemed off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was going on. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you don’t need to ask.”

He thought for a moment. “It’s a personal question.” He looked over to me, but I just motioned for him to continue. “Well, what have you done?”

“Huh?” I asked confused. What in the world was he talking about? 

He scratched his head. “It’s just…have you…are you…?”

“Out with it, Jake. I can’t read your mind.”

“Right,” he sighed. “Well, I was just wondering if you were a…a…virgin.” His voice dropped so low on the last word that I barely heard him.

I was startled at the question. Never in my life had I been asked that. What was I going to tell him? I could tell him the truth, but then he’d just ask more questions. If I lied and said yes, what would he say then? Maybe I could tell him it’s just too personal. No, he’d definitely take that as a no. It had to be the truth. Slowly, I shook my head. “No, I’m not.”

I could tell that wasn’t the answer Jake expected. “You’re not? When did you…?”

It was hard to believe how awkward he was making this. Sirius never would have done such a thing. “I was fifteen. It was a onetime thing that just kind of happened.”

“Oh.” He was silent for a moment. “It was with that Sirius guy wasn’t it?”

I stared at him. What was this about? “Well, umm, yeah.” 

“Do you love him?”

“What are you getting at?”

I could see him fidgeting. “It’s just that you mention him a lot.”

“No I don’t!” I argued. 

He gave me a weak smile. “Of course not, Nen.” 

We were silent again. I found myself wishing that the truck would hurry up or that Jake wasn’t there so I could have just sent everything back already. Heck, I could’ve had most of the house cleaned up in the time it took us to just take the boxes down.

“Do you want to know about me?” Jake asked.

“What about you?” I snapped as I wrapped myself up tighter in my coat. The cold and the questions were getting to me. 

“Do you want to know who I’ve been with?”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure, who have you been with?”

He was silent, waiting for me to look at him. When I finally did he answered. “No one.”

My mouth actually dropped. “Are you serious?”

He nodded. “I’ve been waiting.”

I was beginning to not trust my ears. “For what? You’re a guy. Guys go and have sex with whoever they want.” 

“Well, not this guy. I decided a while back that I was going to wait for the right girl.”

My irritation was turning to mock amusement. I had never expected Jake to be one of those guys. “Well, have you figured out who she is yet?”

Jake’s face turned red. “Yeah, I have.”

I waited, expecting him to finish. “Who is it?”

“You.”

Just as the word was out of his mouth the truck pulled up. Immediately I began loading the boxes into the back. Trying as hard as I could to ignore what Jake had just admitted. Alorah stepped out of the driver’s side to help us load. I knew she could sense that something had happened between us. 

“What’s going on?” she whispered to me when Jake was out of earshot. 

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to repeat that here.

~~~~~~

“Well, are you going to tell me now?” Alorah asked as soon as we had dropped off the unloaded truck and were on our way home.

“It’s crazy. You would never believe me.”

“Oh c’mon, Nen! You’re still my sister, you know. You can tell me this stuff. Did he kiss you?” I shook my head. “Did he smack your bottom?” 

“Umm, no.” 

“Well, what then? He had to have done something!”

“Can we just drop this? I don’t want to talk about it.”

Alorah was silent for awhile and I was thankful for that. I did consider her my sister and I loved her as such, but she could be almost as annoying as Sarah at times. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to know, I was just trying to process everything in my own mind before it got warped by someone else’s opinion. Oh, who am I kidding? My own mind warped everything before I could make sense of it.

“Nen,” Alorah began softly. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

Oh, Merlin, how many times did I have to hear that question in a day? “Umm, I suppose.”

“Well, I want you to know that I love you know matter what and, even if I think they are…strange, I will respect all of your choices.”

I gave her a sideways glance. What in the world was she going on about? “Okay.”

She stopped and looked me straight in the eye. “Do you prefer women to men?”

My mouth dropped. There was no way I heard her correctly. “What?” I screeched.

“It’s okay if you do, I just want to know.”

“Alorah, trust me, I like guys! I’m…I’m not whatever it is you think I am.” 

She gave me a little smile, almost as if she didn’t believe me. “Okay, it’s just that you’ve never had a boyfriend and Jake is such a good-looking guy I figured you two would be together by now. That’s all.”

I stared at her. How could she think such a thing of me? Didn’t she know how I can’t get Sirius out of my head? Wait, of course she didn’t. No one in the world knew that. “Alorah,” I sighed. “There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me or my love life.”

She looked curiously at me. “Like what?”

I shook my head. “It’s hard to explain.”

She groaned. “C’mon, Nienna! Let me in on what’s been going on. It isn’t fair that you keep me out of the loop.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one.”

“Nienna, you can tell me anything. I want to try and help you.” She gave me a big smile, but I couldn’t forget that only a few moments earlier she accused me of being a lesbian. 

“I’ll let you know later,” I told her as I noticed a shopkeeper listening to us. We began walking again.

“Fine, but you better tell me.”

~~~~~~

“Bloody hell, Nen!” Alorah exclaimed as soon as I finished telling her the pitiful story that is my love life. 

“So, do you have any advice?”

She thought for a moment. “Yes, but I need to know something first.”

“Which is?”

“Are you in love with him?”

I repeated the question in my head a hundred times. How was I supposed to answer such a thing? Was I in love with Sirius Black? I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea. “I think…”

I was interrupted by Ellie running into the kitchen. She had a roll of parchment in her little hands and looked excited. A huge grin was spread over her freckly face. “Guess what! Guess what!”

“What is it honey?” Alorah asked.

She proudly unrolled the letter and shoved it onto the table. “Grandmum and Grandpa want me to go stay with them in Greece!”

I pulled the paper over to me and quickly read it. Sure enough our grandparents wanted Ellie to stay with them over the holidays. I scoured the paper again, this time looking for my name, but it was nowhere to be found. 

“That’s great El,” Alorah told her as she looked at me. “Are you going too, Nen?”

I shook my head.

“She wasn’t invited,” Ellie blurted out. 

“Are you sure?” Alorah grabbed the letter from me and read it. She frowned as she finished it. 

“I can go can’t I? Even if Nen doesn’t?”

I nodded my head, but Alorah disagreed. “I don’t think that’s a great idea. Both of you should go.”

Ellie couldn’t hide her disappointment. I rolled my eyes for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. “Really, she can go. I’ll just stay here with you, Alorah. It’ll be fine.”

My little sister took that as the final word and squealed happily as she ran back up the stairs to start packing. I couldn’t say I was happy about it, but I didn’t want Ellie to stay here for our first Christmas alone. Sure, I didn’t want to stay either, but as long as I wasn’t alone here it’d be okay.

I looked over at Alorah expecting her to be happy that I wasn’t abandoning her too, but she was far from happy. Her face was guilt-ridden and sad. “What is it?”

“Nienna, I think you should go with Ellie.”

“Why? I’m fine with staying here. I don’t want you to be all alone during that time. Besides Ellie is going to be gone for a month and a half starting in a couple days. It wouldn’t be fair to leave you here alone.”

Alorah played with the wedding ring that she still wore. I was honestly amazed by how strong she was through everything that had happened. “Nen, I’m not going to be here for Christmas,” she paused, watching for some reaction out of me. “I’m leaving on the fifteenth to spend it with my family. You should really go with Ellie.”

I shook my head as I got up from the table. “No, Alorah, I’ll be fine.” I gave her the best smile I could muster. “It’ll be good for me.” I walked away not believing it at all.


	9. Memories

I sunk into the hot, bubbly water and sighed. In a few days it would be Christmas and I was spending it alone.

“I should get Charlie something for Christmas,” I said aloud before submerging my head in the water. This was the only time I could relax, but something was different that night. The normal serenity that enveloped me had an edge to it that I couldn’t explain.

I grabbed a razor and slowly began shaving my legs. I watched as my hand brought the blade from my ankle to my knee. I felt detached from it; as if I were not shaving, but just watching someone else. The razor was swished around in the water and then brought again to the ankle, up the leg to the knee. Ankle, up, knee, water. Ankle, up, knee, water. Ankle, up, knee…

_I sat staring at the pretty cake on the table wishing that I could just eat it. Charlie jumped onto my lap, licking my face. I was so excited when my dad gave the puppy to me before he left. I happily, petted him before he noticed Sean playing with a ball and he left to attack my brother._

_“Cake time?” I asked my mum when I saw her. She turned to me and I was surprised by how ill she looked._

_She shook her head. “No, Nienna, it’s not cake time.”_

_“Why?”_

_Without a word she sat opposite me at the picnic table. “Sean, C.J., come here.”_

_“What is it Mum?” Sean asked as he finally let Charlie have the ball. C.J. came up next to him._

_She looked at the three of us and tears started to form. “There…there’s been an accident. They aren’t sure what exactly happened, but…”_

_“Did anyone get hurt?” C.J. questioned as he sat next to me._

_My mother nodded and had to wipe her eyes before continuing. “Yes, honey, people were hurt. Daddy was hurt too.” Her voice was starting to crack, but she held on._

_Sean, C.J., and I all looked towards the gate, fully expecting to see our injured father._

_“When is Daddy coming?” I asked, not understanding the looks on my mother or my oldest brother’s face._

_“Daddy’s not coming, Nienna.”_

_I could feel the tears start in my own eyes. “He promised. It’s my birthday!” I argued._

_She let out a small sob as she stood up and wrapped me in her arms. “I know, I know.” My brothers joined us as we all started crying. Daddy wasn’t coming home._

“Ouch!” I yelped as my mind returned to the present. I looked down at my right leg and the small cut the razor had made. I couldn’t believe the amount of blood that was coming from such a small wound. I touched my finger to it, causing a small stinging sensation. I put the razor back on the shelf and grabbed my shampoo. As soon as I opened the bottle the fruity smell filled the room.

“Mmm, strawberries and vanilla.” I poured some onto my hand and started to massage the substance into my scalp, enjoying the small luxury.

_I laughed as he leaned in to whisper in my ear once more._

_“Why do you always find me so funny?” He asked, amused. I giggled more before lightly smacking his forehead._

_“How am I to take you seriously when your name is Sirius? That’s like thinking a dog named Lucky is actually lucky!”_

_A loud barking laugh emitted itself from his lips. I couldn’t help but stare at them, a stupid smile on my face. How could any man have lips like that? I shivered slightly knowing all too well just where those lips had been._

_His large grin turned to a frown. “Princess, you are the only reason I can’t be serious.”_

_“Oh?” I asked. I could feel a slight blush come to my cheeks._

_He nodded. “If it wasn’t for you, I could do some things and you wouldn’t think I was just playing.”_

_I raised my eyebrow. What was he getting on about? “I don’t understand. What can’t you do?”_

_“This,” he whispered softly. He leaned in again, but his destination wasn’t the same. His lips gently pressed against mine. A sudden shock quickly melted away as the kiss deepened. Soon our tongues were entwined and we were slowly falling back onto the couch. His hands joined in, caressing the curves of my body. It seemed like hours had passed before we broke apart, but I couldn’t help but want more._

_“Sirius…”_

I rinsed out my hair and grabbed the conditioner. I couldn’t believe how my mind was slipping, but try as I might, I couldn’t stop it. The memories flitted about like clips from a Muggle movie.

_I sat on the bank, staring into the muddy water. I had never seen it so calm before. It was almost as if the lake was mourning too._

_“Nen, what are you doing out here?” Sean came up behind me already dressed for the funeral._

_“I’m not going. I’m staying here forever.” I continued to look into the water, wanting to go in, but not daring to touch it. I heard my brother sit next to me._

_“I don’t want to go either, but we need to go. We need to say…” he cut off._

_I sniffled and swallowed the lump in my throat. “I won’t say anything! This isn’t real. C.J. isn’t…He’s just sick,” I paused, not quite sure what I was saying. “I’ll go into the house and find him lying sick in bed like usual. He’ll be there! He’s always there!”_

_I looked over at Sean. His brown eyes were glossy and tears streaked his face. My will to keep from crying was weakening. I couldn’t believe what had happened._

_“Nienna, please, you’re just making this harder. You have to accept that C.J.’s gone!” He buried his face in his hands as I started choking on the growing lump. I had to be dying, that was the only excuse for feeling this way._

_I shook my head. “He’s not gone. He can’t be!” I could feel the tears start to fall and my nose began to run._

_“C.J. is dead!” Sean yelled. “He’s dead and it’s all my fault! I could have saved him. It was my responsibility to look after him and I failedI killed him!”_

_I watched in horror as my brother’s body shook violently from the sobs. The tears began to pour from my own eyes and I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could._

_“Sean, please don’t blame yourself! You didn’t do it. Please don’t talk like this.”_

_He hugged me back. “I’m sorry, sis, I’m so sorry. I promise I won’t let it happen again,” he sobbed._

_After several minutes, we pulled apart and shakily stood up. He patted my back as I wiped the tears away and sniffled some more._

_“We need to be strong, now,” Sean started as we walked back up to the house. “For Mum’s sake. She needs us.”_

_I nodded. “We need her too.”_

I inhaled sharply. My body felt light and my mind was even murkier. I rested my head back and started to breathe slowly. In and out. In and out.

_I cautiously stepped into the wobbly boat and plopped down opposite a dark haired boy I didn’t know. Another, blond haired boy stood at the front waving his arms around. When we started off the boy still stood, his movements became more erratic and the boat swayed dangerously._

_“Sit down,” the boy next to me barked. “You’re going to make us capsize!”_

_“Oh, lighten up. This is fun.”_

_I was starting to feel sick. Nothing about this was fun._

_“Please stop,” I begged as the water splashed into the boat._

_“You two are such ninnies.” He started rocking the boat even more._

_More water splashed into the boat, soaking both me and the black haired boy._

_“Enough!” the boy yelled and grabbed hold of the crazy boy’s robes. A struggle ensued and before I knew it the blond was in the water and getting picked up by another boat behind us._

_“Thanks,” I whispered, the queasiness fading._

_He shrugged his shoulders. “No need to thank me. He was a git.”_

_I nodded and we sat in silence until we reached shore. He stepped out and began to walk away when he seemed to change his mind. He held his hand out for me to take and helped me on to the grass._

_“I’m Sirius,” he said once my feet were firmly on the ground._

_“Oh, I’m Nienna.” We started walking towards the castle, ahead of the other students._

_“Do you know anyone here?”_

_I nodded. “My brother Sean is a seventh year Hufflepuff. What about you?”_

_“I have some cousins here. What House do you think you’ll be in?”_

_I thought for a moment. “I’m not sure; probably Hufflepuff like my brother.”_

_“Yeah, my whole family is in Slytherin. I figure that’s where I’ll go too.”_

_“Slytherin the bad House?”_

_He shrugged. “Depends on who you are.” He looked at me curiously as we reached the castle and a stern woman met us. “What are you anyways? Pureblood?_

_I shook my head. “Half, my dad was a Muggle.”_

_“Oh.”_

_The lady led us inside and through the Great Hall where other students looked us over as they chatted. We stopped at the base of some stairs that led to a stool with a hat._

_“That’s the Sorting Hat,” Sirius told me. “That’s how we’re sorted.”_

_I already knew that, but I said nothing because the Hat started to speak._

_“Upon the head_   
_of Gryffindor I sat_   
_Until the day_   
_I became the Sorting Hat._

_One by one_   
_I've sorted all kinds_   
_And remember kids_   
_I never confuse signs._

_Those dear Hufflepuffs_   
_So loyal and fair_   
_Welcome all to their House_   
_As long as they care._

_Wise ol' Ravenclaw_   
_Accepts only the brightest_   
_Their charm and their wit_   
_Takes them to the highest._

_Slytherin is proud_   
_Of their pure blood_   
_Sly and Ambitious_   
_They strive for power above_

_Then brave Gryffindor_   
_Their courage sets them apart_   
_Passionate protectors_   
_They'll be sure to always use their heart._

_So come here_   
_Do not be afraid_   
_I'll be gentle_   
_As I sort you away!”_

_The lady then began reading from a list of names._

_“Black, Sirius.”_

_With a half smile at me, he walked up to the stool and the teacher put the hat on his head. He sat there for almost a minute before the hat came to a decision. The Slytherin table waited expectantly._

_“GRYFFINDOR!” The Sorting Hat yelled. The whole hall was quiet for a couple of moments before the Gryffindor table started cheering._

_I looked towards Sirius and felt so bad. He seemed scared, not at all like how he was earlier. He didn’t even look at me as he slowly walked to the red and gold table._

_Several other students were sorted, but none of them caused the confusion that Sirius’s had. I was becoming more and more nervous. I saw my brother smiling at me from the Hufflepuff table next to his girlfriend, Alorah._

_“Ladden, Nienna.”_

_My breath stuck in my throat as I walked over to the hat. I glanced at the Gryffindor table where Sirius was avoiding the glares of the Slytherins. I sat down on the hard wood stool and the lady placed the hat upon my head._

_“Ah, Miss Ladden, how good to meet you. It’s a shame that I did not have the chance to meet your brother C.J. as well,” it began._

_“Yeah…” I mumbled._

_“Now, let’s see where you belong. Very loyal, I see. Just like your brother. Not power hungry, eh? Slytherin wouldn’t do then. You’re protective of your loved ones, but would you risk your own life for them? Hmm…”_

_I looked at Sean’s eager face and then back at Sirius who looked so lonely. “How could you put him in Gryffindor? He’s miserable.”_

_“What?” the Hat started. “Oh, the Black boy. He belongs in Gryffindor. He would have been worse off in Slytherin. He just doesn’t realize it yet. Now, back to you. I think you would be content in Hufflepuff, but content is not happy. No, that won’t do. I know just the place. GRYFFINDOR!”_

_My mouth dropped as the other Gryffindors yelled. I glanced at my brother who gave me a smile and gestured for me to go over to the Gryffindor table. I quickly pulled off the hat and set it back on the stool. Careful not to trip, I made my way to the red and gold table where they welcomed me with high fives and pats on the back. I couldn’t help but grin as I sat down across from Sirius._

_“Welcome to Gryffindor,” he said with a half smile. “At least I’m not the only one who didn’t expect to be here,” he said almost miserably._

_“Cheer up,” I told him with a smile. “The Sorting Hat is never wrong. Besides, now we get to be in the same House!”_

_He let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, at least I have a friend.”_

I grabbed the body wash and squeezed some onto my shower poof. I scrubbed my arms, harder than necessary, in an attempt to scrub away all of the memories. I just couldn’t escape them.

_“Sarah, can you stop please?” I walked down the corrider with my bestfriend and she was getting on my nerves._

_“Oh, Nen,” she started with the annoyingly high-pitched voice she had recently adopted. “You’re being such a nag today.” She flipped her blond hair and winked at a seventh year Ravenclaw. I rolled my eyes as he gave her a wolfish grin._

_“Why do you do that?” I asked as we walked into the Potions classroom earlier than usual. Only Snape was there, working on an extra credit potion. We sat down at a table and I set my book and quill on the table top._

_“What do you mean?” she asked as she pulled a hand held mirror out of her pocket and carefully examined her painted on face._

_“That!” I pointed to the mirror. “You’re obsessed with how you look and what guys think of you. Why have you changed all of a sudden?”_

_Sarah laid the mirror on the desk as she spoke. “You wouldn’t understand because no guys are interested in you. You don’t have the pressures that I do. A lot of the boys around this school have their eyes on me.” She paused to look in the mirror again. “They want me, Nen. I’m here to please them and they love it. That Ravenclaw I winked at, well, I’ve spent the last few evenings with him in the Astronomy Tower.”_

_My jaw dropped. I had no idea about what she had been doing._

_“Really, Nienna, you’re lucky. I’m almost jealous. You don’t have to worry about all of the stuff that I do. That skinny body of yours won’t attract anyone. Then your plain brown hair that just,” she lifted up a clump of it and let it go. “Lays there. No one will ever bother you since you’re so ugly.”_

_I stared at her for a moment. “What did you just say to me?” I asked, the anger rising._

_She picked the mirror up again. “Which part? When I called you ugly?”_

_I nodded, unable to do anything else for fear of attacking her._

_“Well, you are.” She looked at me and smiled. “It’s nothing to be bothered about! Like I said, you are so lucky to be ugly!”_

_My body was burning up. I could see Snape watching us. Disbelief was written all over his face. I heard the door open, and the Marauders walked in. They were joking and laughing as usual and I found my way to get away from Sarah without hurting her._

_I quickly stood up, knocking the wooden chair to the ground and stomped over to where the boys were. They looked at me funny and quickly stopped laughing as I took the chair next to Sirius, pushing James out of the way._

_“What’s wrong, Princess?” he asked as he leaned back in his chair as if there was nothing abnormal about me sitting in the place normally reserved for his best mate._

_“Her!” I snapped and pointed to the blonde who seemed oblivious to my absence. Sirius raised his brow, encouraging me to explain, but I just kept pointing and my rage increased every moment that she failed to acknowledge that I was no longer next to her._

I lifted myself out of the tub and reached for the baby blue towel on the rack beside me. Slowly I started to dry off; the feelings from the last memory were still affecting me. Why was I thinking of Sarah? I hadn’t thought of that day in awhile, but I also couldn’t deny how much it still hurt.

I shook my head, trying to eradicate the thoughts and water droplets flew from my hair. I wrapped the towel around myself and started to clean out my ears when I heard someone walking around downstairs.

I immediately looked around for my wand before remembering that I had left it in my room.

“Shit,” I whispered to myself as I quickly searched for something else to use. I settled on another long towel as being the best possible weapon and quietly headed towards the door.

I opened it slowly, but the door squeaked alerting the intruder who started up the stairs. I wrapped up the towel as tightly as I could and hid behind the door. The steps slowed as they reached the landing and stopped for a short moment before heading towards the bathroom.

My breath caught in my throat and I waited for my chance to strike. The intruder pushed the door open slightly more and it pressed against my head. The person took a couple of steps farther into the bathroom, looking around intently. I could smell the person’s cologne, recognizing it to be a distinctly male scent. I waited for him to clear the door before attacking. Once he made another step into the room I slammed the door shut. He started to turn towards me and I whipped the towel across his face.

“Oh, bloody hell!” he yelled as his hands went up to protect his face as I attempted to hit him again. He backed away from me. “Nienna, knock it off!”

I gasped and dropped the towel. “Sirius?”


	10. Aren't dogs great?

"He's not usually so nice to strangers," I said while changing behind the closet door. Sirius was sitting on my bed, petting a remarkably docile Charlie.

"Guess he knows I'm a friend. Dogs are good judges of character."

"Yeah, but he never lets people get close to me, especially when we're alone." I wrapped my hair with the towel and came out from behind the door.

Sirius smiled as he looked at me. "Maybe he remembers that time we had to wait for the train."

I raised a brow. "The train?"

He scratched Charlie's ears. "Yeah, it was the start of Second Year and we were both there too early."

"Oh, yeah." I had forgotten about that time. Sirius was by himself and while we played with Charlie, Sean got us some snacks. My throat constricted. 

"Ni," Sirius said, his hand that had been continuously petting Charlie stopped. 

My eyes stung. I squeezed them shut and Sean's smiling face filled my mind. The tears escaped. 

A large hand wrapped around the back of my head. "Nienna," Sirius breathed. 

I opened my eyes to see him intently gazing, his brow creased with worry. 

"Tell me what happened."

~~~~~

Soft light lit up the curtains. I rubbed my eyes. Sirius's arm was loosely wrapped around me, his face buried in the pillow. Charlie was asleep, his head resting between our legs. 

I'm not sure when we fell asleep last night. It seemed I cried for hours, leaning on Sirius for support I knew he didn't have to give. Yet he did. At some point, after my tears had been dry for awhile, he mentioned he should head downstairs to the couch. I agreed, but when the moment came for him to leave, I couldn't let go. 

"Ugh, 'sit mornin'?" Sirius grumbled, barely lifting his head from the pillow. 

"Looks like it." 

He shook his head and buried it back into the pillow.

I smiled and smoothed back his messy black hair. He had already fallen back asleep, his breathing smooth and steady. I carefully removed his arm and slid out of bed. Charlie woke up and without disturbing Sirius, followed me out of the room.

"I should make him something for breakfast," I said as we went into the kitchen. Charlie walked to the door and waited for me to open it so he could go out. It was routine by now, but I couldn't help carefully looking around for anything that might be out of place. Charlie was used to roaming free, but he seemed to sense my unease and quickly returned home. "Good boy," I said and scratched his head as he came back in. "Now, what should we make Sirius for breakfast?"

Charlie just stared at me for a moment before heading to his food bowl by the fridge. I started opening the cupboards. A handful of canned veggies, a few slices of moldy bread, pasta, and a couple boxes of cold cereal. I tossed the bread before checking the fridge. There wasn't much more than milk, eggs, and a jar of pickles. When had we gone through all the food? I couldn't even remember the last time we bought groceries. 

Knock knock.

I jumped. "For Merlin's sake, it's not like the bad guys are going to come knocking," I scolded myself. Still, I couldn't help the pounding in my chest. Through the slit in the curtain, I could see Jake peeking in.

Charlie was at the door before me, blocking it so I had to push him over. He resisted, but eventually let me open the door.

"Jake, wha--"

"I thought I'd bring over some fresh-baked muffins," he said with a bright smile and held up the basket. "They're blueberry."

"You really didn't have to."

He used the gap between me and the door frame to slide through, eliciting a small growl from Charlie. I rubbed his head.

Jake set the muffins on the table. "Think of it as my apology for the other day."

We had avoided each other since then, which was easily done since I didn't often stray far from home and he hadn't stopped by. 

"Well, thank you."

He sat at the table and looked at us. "I've known him since he was a pup, you'd think he'd be okay with me."

"He's just protective of me."

He nodded. "I remember when we were seven and he pinned me to the ground, growling because he thought I was trying to hurt you, but it was just a game of tag."

"He didn't understand that though."

Jake shrugged and pointed to the muffins. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Hey, Princess, you mind if I take a shower?" Sirius came down the stairs, scratching his stomach. He stopped just from the bottom and stared at Jake. 

I looked between them. Jake stood up, trying to make himself look bigger. Sirius smirked and walked over, stopping a just a few steps away from him. Sirius was noticeably taller, but not towering and his shoulders just slightly broader. 

"I didn't realize you had company," Jake said to me, but kept his eyes on Sirius. 

"Umm..."

"I surprised her last night," Sirius said, his tone steady, but cool. "Who are you?"

"Jake," I answered. "He's a childhood friend. And this is Sirius, from--"

"So you're the guy from school, Nienna kept mentioning," Jake interrupted. 

"Aww, so sweet of you to talk about me, Princess," Sirius started, briefly smiling at me before returning his gaze to Jake. "Sadly, she's never mentioned you."

Jake opened his mouth, but I cut him off. "Why don't we eat these muffins? We don't want them getting cold." Charlie followed me to the table, purposely walking between the two of them before sitting next to me. 

I grabbed two muffins and held them out for the boys. Sirius side stepped Jake and sat in the chair to my right. Jake sat directly across from him, his eyes were narrowed and his scowl never wavered. Sirius continued to smirk while devouring the muffin.

"What business do you have here?" Jake asked, ignoring the muffin I set in front of him. 

"Just checking in on a close friend." Sirius grabbed another muffin. I absently picked at mine and watched them.

"Hmph, if you're so close then why weren't you here earlier?"

"Had to wait for school to get out."

There was silence for a short time. Sirius was starting a fourth muffing as I finished my first. Jake still hadn't touched his. 

"Would anyone like some milk?" I asked, trying to break the heavy silence. 

"That'd be great," Sirius said, swallowing another bite.

"Jake?"

He shook his head.

I got up and grabbed a couple glasses from the cupboard. I sniffed the milk to make sure it was still good before pouring. "Here you go," I said as I set the filled glass in front of Sirius and sat down.

"Thanks, Princess."

"Why do you keep calling her that?" Jake snapped. 

Sirius focused on Jake, his gaze narrowing slightly. "I've always called her that."

"Just what kind of relationship do you two have?" 

"Jake, stop it," I said. Charlie stiffened at my side, his focus on Jake as intent as Sirius's."

"No, I want to know."

"Like I said," Sirius growled. "We're close friends." 

Jake scoffed. "You think I believe that? You have one night stands with all your close friends?"

"Jake!"

Sirius's arm twitched, like he was trying to control himself. "What's it matter to you?"

"Unlike you, I actually care about her and I don't want some nut--"

Sirius stood, shoving the table into Jake's ribs. "You think I don't care about her?"

I grabbed Sirius's arm. I knew what kind of person his anger turned him into. "C'mon, let's stop this."

Jake slid out from the table, rubbing his stomach, but he only looked meaner. "I know you're type. You don't care about anyone but yourself. A narcissist that throws fits when you don't get your way."

"Knock it off, Jake," I begged, gently squeezing Sirius's arm. "Don't start a fight, please." 

"You heard her," Sirius said, but he didn't relax. 

"Gits like you shouldn't be near her." Jake's hand darted out to grab my arm. "GAAHH-OWWW!"

Charlie jumped up and snapped on Jake's arm. He immediately let go, but continued growling. Jake slammed his other hand on the table. 

Sirius laughed. "Guess we know who the git is."

Jake made to lunge, but Charlie snapped at him again, stopping him. He kicked back the chair with his foot and stomped out of the house, slamming the door.

I rested my head against Sirius's arm and sighed. I felt Charlie rub against my legs. Sirius slowly relaxed and cupped my cheek with his other hand. 

"These muffins are really good," he said. "You should have another one."


	11. Surprise!

Two days later I woke up to Sirius singing “God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs” while he hung up garland around the bedroom window.

“What are you doing?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Decorating.”

I swung my legs off the side of the bed. “Decorating for what? And where did you get that stuff?”

He finished attaching the garland and walked over to me, taking a seat on the bed. “I went to the store this morning to get some Christmas decorations.”

I stared at him. “You went to the store?”

He nodded. “It was fun. This old lady helped me pick out a bunch of stuff and she even gave me a box of cookies for free.”

I sat, blinking at him, trying to make sense of this. I was sure I could count on my fingers the number of times he had been in a muggle store and I doubted he’d even been alone in one.

He smirked. “Hey, I can handle shopping at a muggle store.”

“How’d you know that’s what I was thinking?”

He lightly tugged on a clump of my hair. “Maybe all the times I’ve caught you talking to yourself gave me the power to read your mind.”

I shook my head. “Anyways, why are you doing all of this?”

“Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I thought we should celebrate.”

I stood up and crossed my arms tightly across my chest. “Sirius, I can’t celebrate Christmas. I know you’re trying to be helpful, but I don’t—”

“Why not?” He grabbed me by the hips and looked up at me.

“Because my family…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, the lump already forming in my throat.

His thumbs rubbed my side. “Nienna, I know it hurts, but you have to let yourself live. Please let me help you.”

I willed back the tears and nodded. He smiled, his hands never leaving me as he stood. Our bodies pressed together as his lips grazed my ear.”

“Good,” he started. “Now help me finish decorating.”

~~~~~~~

I was lounging on the couch scratching Charlie’s ears. Sirius adjusted the star on the tree, making sure it was perfectly aligned.

“There,” he said, stepping back to admire his work.

“Looks good.”

He turned to me, a big smile on his face. “Can you believe we did all of this without magic?”

I laughed. “I thought you were going to give up when you couldn’t get the tinsel to quit sticking to you.”

He frowned slightly and sat down on the arm of the couch. “I thought it was going to be stuck in my hair forever.”

I reached up and pulled the last strand of tinsel out of his thick hair. “It would’ve made you stand out in a crowd though.”

He looked down at me, his arrogant playboy smile firmly in place. “I don’t need any help standing out. I get noticed everywhere I go.”

I rolled my eyes and threw the tinsel back on his head. “How did I get stuck with such a git for company?”

He pushed my head. “Is that the way to treat the guy who just spent hours decorating an entire house?”

“Hey, I helped.”

He cupped my cheeks. “Oh yes, you were so very helpful. Whatever would I have done if you hadn’t been there to supervise?”

“Exactly. Without my help you would’ve tossed the whole tree out because you couldn’t figure out how the lights lit up.”

He growled and pushed me down causing Charlie to saunter off, his nap disturbed. Sirius held himself above me. “My dear supervisor should’ve told me about plugging it in to begin with.”

“But then I would’ve missed watching you trying to bribe the lights to turn on.”

He narrowed his eyes, but a smile played on his lips. “You little brat.” His teeth pinched the tip of my nose.

“Sirius,” I laughed, smacking his arm. “Stop it.”

“No, you’ve been naughty. Time for your punishment.” He lightly bit my cheek before moving to my chin and then my ear. It tickled more than it hurt and I couldn’t stop giggling. He pulled back, putting his hand over my mouth. “Laughing is not allowed.”

I bit his hand. He feigned a wince and examined his hand. After a short moment he returned his gaze to me. His eyes had darkened slightly, no longer playful, but his faint smile remained in place.

“Injuring your castigator,” he said, his voice deep and rough. “You just earned more punishment.”

He tugged my t-shirt, exposing my collarbone. He bit, harder than before.

“Oh!”

His bites moved up slightly, to the base of my neck. I closed my eyes as his nibbling intermixed to light kisses and sucking. His mouth never stayed in one place long; moving up and down my neck and over to my shoulder. My body grew warm.

“Mmm, Sirius,” I breathed as one of his hands started caressing my side.

He left my shoulder, trailing kisses up my neck to my jawline and down to my chin. They were light, but hot and I craved more. I tried to catch his lips with mine, but he shook his head.

“Your punishment isn’t over.”

He started nibbling along my collar bone again, eliciting soft moans.

KNOCK KNOCK.

We jumped. We stared at each other for a few moments until knocking came again. Sirius pulled away from me and off the couch. Charlie met him at the door while I straightened my shirt and tried to clear my head.

“You’re early,” Sirius growled as he opened the door. I noticed his face was flushed and I no longer felt as self-conscious about my own warm cheeks.

“I figured it’d leave more time for partying,” a voice answered from behind the door. I closed my eyes and sighed. It’d be hard to not recognize the loud, unconcerned voice that was scolded almost every class for interrupting.

Sirius backed away from the door, scratching Charlie’s head as he sniffed at the tall black haired boy carrying a large red sack over his shoulder.

“Nienna!” James cried as he saw me on the couch. He shoved the sack in Sirius’ hand before hurrying over and flinging his arms around me. “How are you doing, dearie?”

“Umm, alright.”

He swayed us back and forth. “Ah, such a brave girl. It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me.”

“Get off her,” Sirius barked, pulling James away from me. I noticed Remus setting a few things out on the table while Lily hung up her coat.

“What are you all doing here?” I asked, standing up. Charlie was by my side now, calm, but watchful of the new people in the house.

Lily hugged me. “Sirius invited us. He didn’t want you to be alone over the holidays.” She pulled back and looked me over. Her eyes focused in on my neck, eyebrows raised. I rubbed at the spot, suddenly blushing. She looked away and instead brushed an errant lock of hair out of my face. “Besides, when I heard you were stuck with him I knew I had to come save you.”

I smiled. “Thanks Lils.”

“We all wanted to see you,” Remus said. He was still busying himself at the table, like he wasn’t sure what else to do. He looked a lot better than the last time I had seen him.  
I felt Sirius’ arm brush against mine. “I thought it’d be easier to celebrate with more friends around.”

I nodded. I was smiling, but I couldn’t help the few tears that rolled down my cheeks. “I can’t believe you did all this. Thank you. Everyone. I know it must not have been easy to get away from your families.”

Lily squeezed my hand. “It was no trouble. My parents understood.”

“Yeah, and I just got mine to give me my presents early,” James chimed in. “They even bought some for you two. That’s why I had to bring the sack. Just like that fat guy.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Remus and I told him a hundred times that it’s Santa Claus.”

“Right, Santa Claus. The fat guy.” James nodded emphatically. “I just wanted to hear it from your lips again, Evans.”

Remus cleared his throat. “We all wanted to be here for you, Nienna. I wasn’t able to bring a lot, but I brought some snacks I hope you’ll enjoy.”

“I’m sure I will.”

He smiled before looking back down at the table and rearranging the food he had already set out. Lily headed to the kitchen to help put stuff away while James unloaded the presents from his sack and carefully stacked them under the tree. It was hard to keep more tears from falling as I watched them.

Sirius gently touched my waist and leaned in, his lips quickly touching my cheek before pulling away. “I had to let them all know what happened,” he whispered. “They all wanted to do something so I suggested a surprise visit.”

“Thank you.”

“So, where will I be sleeping?” James asked, holding a small clothes bag.

“How ‘bout the floor?” Sirius suggested, gesturing around the living room. “There’s plenty of it.”

James laughed. “Yeah, right. That’s funny. I’ll just stay where you are. Which one is it, Padfoot?”

Sirius and I looked at each other. Ever since he’d arrived we talked about setting him up in Alorah’s room, but each night I couldn’t manage to let him leave my side. The suitcase he brought with was tucked under my bed.

“Umm, it’s up the stairs. Second door on your right,” I said, directing him to my sister-in-law’s room.

“Great,” James said, starting up the stairs. “Grab your stuff, Moony.”

Remus hesitated. “I can just sleep on the couch.”

“Nonsense,” James yelled. “Get your arse moving before I stick you in a corner to sleep.”

Sighing, Remus left his station at the table, grabbed his worn bag, and headed after James.

“I’ll stay in your room, then,” Lily said as she looked in the fridge. “Good thing I bought some real groceries before coming. What have you two been eating?” She mumbled to herself as she stocked the fridge.

Sirius and I were still looking at each other. “Umm, I guess I should put my stuff in the other room.”

“Yeah…” I held onto his hands, unwilling to let him go.

“James’ll steal the bed if I don’t hurry,” he said, starting to pull away.

I nodded. “You better go.”

With one last long glance he slowly headed to the stairs. I patted my thigh, calling Charlie to me. I rubbed his head for a moment.

“C’mon,” I said, walking to the kitchen. “Let’s help Lily.”


	12. Sleepless Nights

“So how are you really doing?” Lily asked as we sat on my bed picking through a box of Bertie Bott’s.

I shrugged as I picked up one that looked like dirt and put it in a separate pile. “Better than I was, I suppose.”

“I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you.” She tentatively put a bean in her mouth, letting out a relieved sigh when it wasn’t something bad.

“Sorry.” I leaned against the wall. 

“Oh, don’t be. When I heard what happened I knew you probably weren’t ready to talk about it.” She put the ones we thought were good back in the box and tossed the bad ones in a small plastic bag. 

“I’d still rather not talk about it.”

She nodded and wrapped a blanket around her. We were silent for a few moments before she looked at me, her face a mix of concern and intrigue. “Do you mind if I ask how things are between you and Sirius?”

I lowered my head, so she couldn’t see my red cheeks. “Umm…i-it’s fine.”

“Nienna, I know I don’t have the best impression of him, but I am your friend and if something is going on between you two then…I want you to know you can talk to me about it.” 

I didn’t know what to say. What was going on between us? 

“You know,” Lily started. “After you left he badgered McGonagall to tell him what happened. She wouldn’t at first, but after a couple weeks she called me and him into her office and told us about what happened. He wanted to leave then. It took all three of his friends to keep him from leaving before break. James told me in one of our meetings that Sirius couldn’t even focus on pranks.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you call Potter by his first name?”

It was her turn to blush. “Uh, well, it’s just that through our Head Girl and Boy meetings I’ve gotten to know him better and umm…he’s not as big of a git as I thought.”

I laughed. “Are you starting to like him?”

She adamantly shook her head. “No, absolutely not. He’s just…not always terrible company.”

I hugged her. “Oh Lils, you’re falling right into his master plan. Before you know it you’ll be Mrs. Lily Potter just like he would chant in Second Year.”

She pushed me away. “Don’t even joke about that.” She shuddered, but there was a small smile on her face. 

I leaned back again, thinking about what Lily had said before. “Was he really like that?”

“Huh? Who?” Lily asked like I had pulled her from a daydream.

“Sirius.”

“Oooh…yes,” she said, the smile fading. “Today was the liveliest I’ve seen him since you left.”

“Hmm.” I couldn’t imagine him like that. The closest I could think of was when he got in a fight with his brother at the beginning of last year. It had been the first time they’d seen each other since Sirius left his home and it didn’t go well.

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on between you and Sirius?” Lily asked, her curiosity back.

“I really don’t know.”

She tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

I sighed. “How can I answer that? It’s not as if we’ve had a normal relationship the last couple of years. I mean, he’s my friend and to be honest I was a much bigger mess before he showed up a few nights ago.” I paused. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get through the day before, but since he arrived my lows aren’t as bad and less frequent. It still hurts and I think about my family a lot, but I don’t feel the sharp constricting pain in my chest as much as before. “He’s mostly just been there for me.”

“And the mark on your neck?”

I put my hand over my neck. “Is it noticeable?”

“Not so much now. There’s just a small red spot near your collarbone. If someone doesn’t look too closely you can pass it off as a scratch.”

I tapped my head against the wall. “I don’t know what happened. I was teasing him after he finished decorating and the next thing I know, he’s on top of me.”

Her eyes grew big. “Did you two have—”

“No, no! Not even close. And that was the first time since he’s been here that something like that happened. Other than that we’ve just been like old friends. Well, except he’s slept in here with me every night.”

“I had a feeling he was sleeping here.”

“How?”

She smirked. “I saw you sneak his suitcase into the other room earlier while the boys were stuffing their faces.”

I groaned. “I was trying hard to be unnoticed.”

Lily laughed. “You’ve never been good at sneaking around.” 

We bumped our knees against each other. If we were sitting on a four-poster instead of a no-nonsense metal frame bed it would be like we were at school together, commiserating over complicated essays.

“Do you think you want more with him?” Lily asked after several minutes of silence. 

I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

~~~~~~~

I opened my eyes. The room was dark, but I could still make out Lily’s form on the floor. I vaguely recalled Charlie pushing his way onto the bed, taking up too much room for Lily and refusing to budge. He was still laying there, taking up the space that had been filled by someone else before. 

I lay there, willing myself to sleep, but I couldn’t. Something was missing and all the heat Charlie put off wasn’t enough to keep the chill away. 

C’mon, go back to sleep. It’s not that hard, just close my eyes and before I know it…

I rubbed my face. Ugh. This is pointless. 

I sat up and carefully stepped around Lily to get out of the room. I quietly closed it behind me, making sure neither she nor Charlie had stirred. I glanced at the door to where the boys were staying. It was closed tight. Maybe if I was quiet. I reached for the handle, but pulled back.

“No,” I mumbled and headed down the stairs, wincing at every creak. When I was on the last step, I noticed the fridge door was open with someone hunched in front of it. I headed over to him. “Couldn’t sleep?”

In the dim light of the fridge, Sirius looked at me with a small smile. “No. Want a snack?”

He pulled out the dip and cracker tray James had shoved in the fridge even though Remus told him several times to put the crackers in a bag. Sirius set it on the table and took a seat, patting the chair next to him. I sat, moving the chair so there was little space between his and mine. 

“Do you normally have midnight snacks?” I asked as I watched him spread the dip on a cracker with great precision. 

He shook his head. “Prongs does it all the time when he can’t sleep so I figured I’d give it a try. Here.” He stuck the cracker in my face. 

“Uh, no thanks.”

He pressed the cracker to my lips. “Come on.”

“Hmm-mmph.”

He held my chin and looked directly at me. Even in the dark, I could make out his gray eyes. “Princess, if you don’t open up I’ll smear this on your face.”

“You wouldmph—” As soon as my mouth opened a just a bit he stuffed the cracker in. I smacked his arm and quickly chewed the cracker. “Meanie.”

He laughed lightly. “I was kind of hoping to lick the dip off your cheek.”

I watched quietly as he ate a couple crackers, mine and Lily’s conversation popping in my head. “Umm, Sirius?”

“What?” He asked between bites.

My heart pounded. “Umm, I was just…uh.”

He cocked his head to the side. “What is it?”

“Well, I was just wondering if umm…thank you for coming here.” I lowered my head, thankful the darkness would hide the heat in my face.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to thank me for that.”

“I-I just want you to know it means a lot to me.”

His fingers brushed back my hair before settling back on my shoulder, his eyes never looking away from me. “I…well, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

We stared at each other. Maybe because it was dark it didn’t seem so weird, but something about it calmed the nerves. “What are we?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

His hand fell from my shoulder. “We’re…us?”

He started to look away from me, turning his attention back to the crackers. 

“Sirius,” I started, cupping the side of his face to force him to look at me. “I need to know.”

His shoulders slumped. “I’m not good at this,” he mumbled. “I already screwed up with you once.”

I pulled away from him. “What do you mean screwed up? Do you regret—”

“No, no, no!” His hands held my head. “Merlin, no. That’s not what I meant. I wanted to be with you so badly, but I didn’t know how. I was an idiot.”

“You were with another girl by the next day.”

He dropped his head. “I know. Like I said, I’m an idiot. And I’ve regretted it ever since.”

“And today?”

He slowly looked up. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

I grabbed his hands, pulled them from my head and squeezed tight. “Then don’t.”

Our lips pressed together. The kiss was brief, but filled me with a happy warmth. He caressed my hands.

“Maybe we can take it slow?” He whispered, his face close enough I could feel his breath.

“Slow is good.”


End file.
